Finding Solid Ground
by KBRC10
Summary: Post 7x15. What happens the night Castle and Beckett return to the loft after the death of Tyson and Nieman. Started as a one-shot and has progressed into more.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is my first ever published fic so please go easy on me and I hope this turns out ok, constructive criticism is always welcomed. This was written after watching 7x15 so beware of SPOILERS, just my thoughts of what might have happened once Castle and Beckett got back to the loft that night.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or am associated with it. This is purely just a hobby.**

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He can always tell when she is dreaming. She tends to curl her body into him, mould her body into the curve of his so they can become one, as if sharing her pleasant dream with him. Many nights he has been woken from his sleep because she is wrapping herself around him, her breathing even and steady, her eye closed peacefully. He loves seeing her like this, how calm she is compared to the mayhem that seems to follow them in their lives.

He knows tonight won't be one of those nights.

After they had both finished giving their statements and been checked over by Lanie; Kate had refused to see a doctor, and for once he didn't blame her, they had been allowed to go home. Once home Kate had showered again, she was quiet, not saying much, but he noticed her eyes never left his, constantly checking that he was there, that she was there. They were home.

They both skipped dinner, neither feeling up to eating anything and instead opted for the comfort of their bed. He knew he wouldn't get much sleep and doubted Kate would either as they curled into each other's arms. Her hand a comforting weight on his chest as her hair tickled his neck. They had been lay like that for a while before he eventually spoke, noting that Kate was still clinging to him, her body unable to relax completely.

"Sleep Kate, I'm here, nothing will happen, honey you're exhausted" He whispered softly, stroking his hand gently up her arm.

"I'll see her face. I can't stop seeing her face Castle" was Kate's reply, her voice softer than usual but with enough effort for him to tell that her body was still on high alert, the last burst of her adrenalin still pumping around her system. He knew she was scared, it was rare that Kate ever repeated herself or voiced a concern more than once, he had tried to calm her fears earlier on and it had seemed to work slightly. However knowing that Kate had been lying there, trying hard not to see that psychotic doctors face every time she closed her eyes, and knowing that there wasn't much he could do except be there for her was beginning to tear him apart.

"Kate you need to rest. I'm staying right here"

"Can we put the bathroom light on?" she asked quietly, looking up at him to meet his warm gaze

"That room was so dark and I…"

"shhh, there is no need to explain Kate" Castle said, cutting off her unneeded excuses.

He rolled over reaching for the remote for the lights and switched on the light leading from the bedroom to the bathroom, bathing the room in a warm glow, not too bright to stop you from sleeping, but enough to keep away the shadows.

"Thank you babe" she said smiling at him, before tucking her head back into the crook of his neck.

He placed a kiss on her forehead, leading down to smell her cherry scented hair. For a moment he lost himself, today he had almost lost her forever, and for thirty seconds he actually believed it, but she was here, in his arms, perfect as ever and he was never going to lose her again.

"Try and sleep Kate"

After about an hour he noticed her body seeming to relax, her muscles became weaker and her grip on him loosened. He knew she would succumb to sleep eventually, a mixture of the drugs she had been injected with and the events of the past 48 hours finally catching up with her. He closed his eyes, trying his best to get to sleep himself, he knew the night wouldn't be a peaceful one, and was sure she would wake at some point, it was just a matter of when.

It happened around 3:30am. He felt her foot twitching and kicking and knew exactly what was going on. This was a tell-tale sign that she was having a nightmare and although they didn't happen as often these days, when they did they still shook her body to the core. Whenever he noticed she was having a nightmare he would wrap his arms around her, pull her into his body heat and run a soothing hand over her arms, coxing her out of the terror she was facing.

Tonight it was different though, and he knew no amount of soothing would help.

He cracked open his eyes to find her lying flat on the bed, her wrists pinned to her side, her feet flat out in front of her as she kicked away at the covers, her head thrashing back and forth, her mouth closed as if someone was trying to feed her something she didn't want. Her upper body began to move as she thrashed on the bed, her eyes screwed shut and her face contorted in pain. She hadn't had a night like this since the water-boarding incident almost a year ago, these were rare and took them both by surprise.

Castle shifted so he was sitting up, hoping for more leverage, to bring her back to normality and away from the demons she was facing in her night terrors. He very carefully place both his hands on either side of her arms, trying to still her movement but it was no use, she was too deep into the nightmare.

"Kate. Kate come on open your eyes, Kate it's me it's Castle, open your eyes for me sweetheart please. You're safe, you're in the loft, with me. Come on Kate please." He begged her, once again trying to coax her into waking up.

"No, no, please don't" Kate mumbled her head thrashing from side to side, as if trying to get away from something.

God he couldn't imagine what that woman had done to her, what she had been through. It was his writers imagination running away with him that made him react a second too late. All of a sudden her hand came flying from his grasp and struck him right on his cheekbone, he yelped in surprise and stumbled slightly causing the bed to jerk and Kate to suddenly wake up.

She practically flung herself off the bed and onto the floor, like a terrified animal trying to run away. Castle composed himself, sitting up and trying not to rub at his cheek, he didn't want her to think she had hurt him. He watched as she backed herself into the corner, still living the nightmare. He watched her eyes dart around the room, searching, checking, confirming that she was at the loft and that it was only a nightmare.

"Kate?" Castle questioned, moving his body slowly across the bed.

When she didn't respond he began to crouch down, slowly measuring his movement based on her reactions. He could see her eyes shifting their focus, becoming more alert. He moved until her was crouching down in front her of and slowly moved his hand so it covered hers. The red burn marks from her escaped attempt and the broken nails of her fingers still deep red and raw, he soothed his thumb over them, trying to bring a sense of calm to her.

He watched as she reached out and touched his cheek, tentatively at first, checking he was there, making sure he was real, similar to what she had done when they had found her. Once she knew he was there, registered where they were, that she was safe, she wrapped her arms around him and moved into his embrace.

"I'm so sorry Castle, I didn't mean to, I don't know what happened"

"No Kate it's not your fault, you were having a nightmare, and a bad one at that" Castle soothed, gently stoking her hair.

"I couldn't get out. I was trying, but I was strapped down and I couldn't get my wrist free, she was coming at me with a scalpel, I tried to scream through the gag but she put her hand over my mouth. It all felt so real." Kate explain.

She hadn't told him everything, except that she and Nieman had fought and she had managed to break free and slice her with the scalpel.

"Kate, let's get back in bed ok? Lanie gave me some cream for your wrists, which should sooth the pain a little" it was a question. If she didn't want to move he would stay there on the floor until she was ready, he would do anything for her, anything to make sure she was safe.

He felt her nod against his shoulder, a firm movement that meant she was ok, she was ready to take back some control.

"Come on then" Castle said softly, moving one knee in front of him and pushing upward, helping Kate stand, they slowly turned and Kate sat on the bed. Castle went to the kitchen to collect the cream that Lanie had given him, whilst Kate shuffled her way up the bed, folding her legs under herself.

She sat there for a moment, just taking in what had happened. She had not had a night terror like that in almost a year, the water-boarding had brought it on, luckily without any PTSD attacks to accompany them, just the nightmares. She thought she would have had them over Bracken, but the knowledge that he was behind bars and that her mother's murdered had been brought to justice, seemed to calm her mind rather than make it play tricks on her. She knew Nieman and Tyson were dead, she had watched Nieman bleed out in front of her, yet something about this case was different. She knew that this would not be the last nightmare involving them.

Castle returned to the bedroom with the creams, a glass of water and some pain killers. He set the glass down and then moved so he was sitting opposite Kate, holding the cream in his hands. He reached out and gently took her hand in his, gently running his thumb over the raw skin.

He squeezed a small amount of the cream onto her wrists and then began massaging it in. Lanie had said it wouldn't scar, instead it was more like a burn and would heal in a few days, the cream would take away some of the pain and help take away the redness, but there would be no permanent damage. No permanent sign on her body that this had ever happened.

Kate watched as Castle seemed to be lost in his thought, slowly working the cream into her tender wrists.

"They look worse than they are" she offered and he looked up to meet her gaze.

"Nieman had me strapped down to a metal table of some kind, similar to an operating table. It had straps at my ankles, thighs, chest and wrists. I tried to get out of them but they were really tight. I managed to loosen one of the bolts on the table, hoping to slide one of the wrists straps off, but it didn't budge. I jagged my nail on the screw though and managed to use that to unpick the fabric of the strap." She rambled, trying to get it all out on one breath rather than explain it completely.

"In my dream I couldn't get out" she whispered on an exhale, trying to hide the tremble in her voice. A part of her was scared of what would have happened if the nightmare had continued, but another part of her was scared of her actions. Yes she had killed before and yes it was in self-defense, but to take someone's life the way she took Nieman's, scared her just as much.

"I can't imagine you going through that Kate" Castle replied, taking her other wrist in his hand and repeating the soothing process.

"She talked to me. Told me that I shouldn't resist, that it would all be over. When she told me she wanted my face I couldn't help but panic, she gagged me again and began working on her, her project I suppose"

"She deserved what she got Kate. You did good" Castle was unsure what to say, how to respond, he needed to know the story, he needed to know what she had been through, if not just for his own sake and sanity.

"I'm sorry I hit you" Kate sighed, looking into his eyes and reaching to touch his tender cheek with the hand he wasn't holding.

"It's fine, it wasn't your fault. Come on, let's get back into bed, we're both exhausted, we can talk more in the morning, right now I just want to hold you"

"I would like that" Kate said, smiling at him.

She took the cream from him and placed in on the bedside table before they both settled back down into each other's arms.

He knew this wasn't the end, he knew more nightmares would follow. He was going to suggest that she go back and see Dr Burke in the morning, even if it was just to talk, someone neutral who he knew she trusted. They had been given a week off to recover and he intended on spending it making sure that she was ok. OK was the wrong word, he needed to make sure she was herself again. She was strong both mentally and physically. He knew it would take time, but he knew she would get there, after what she had done today, he knew that it would just be a matter of time. He would be there for her every step of the way, her solid ground through the nightmare that were sure to follow. He would be by her side.

Always.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2. Originally this was supposed to be a one-shot however I just can't seem to leave it alone and have at least two more chapters planned out. I think Reckoning is definitely up there with my top 5 episodes, it blew me away!**

**Thank you to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed the last chapter. Reviews make me smile and any constructive criticism is always welcomed. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be. This is just a small hobby.**

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They had made it through the first night. It had been rough and not without nightmares, but they had made it. Castle was the first to wake which was strange in itself because he would usually be the one to sleep in as Kate readied herself to face the day ahead. However this morning he found himself wide awake and staring at his sleeping wife. The nightmare she had had last night had taken them both by surprise, she had not had that reaction in a long time and it worried Castle, he prayed that it was just a onetime thing, a mixture of the cocktail of drugs she had been pumped with, mixed with her adrenalin and the events of the past couple of days.

Kate had curled herself into Castle's body, her head softly resting on his chest with one arm wrapped around his torso. He knew she didn't like sleeping in but this morning he didn't have the heart to wake her. His mind drifted to everything he could have lost yesterday. She was his future, the morning before she had been abducted they had been discussing having a child together, not that this was new, they had each been making comments about it for the past two years, but now they were married and settled and with Bracken behind bars it seemed the right time. He didn't know if this would change things, he knew it would take time for them both to feel ready again but knew they had each other to help them through.

He gently began stroking her face with his thumb, a subconscious movement that he barely registered he was doing. He had nearly lost that beautiful face yesterday. Kate hadn't told him everything, just briefly mentioned what had happened the moments before Nieman had tried to kill her. He remembered her words so clearly, 'she told me she wanted my face'. He didn't even know what to make of that, he knew that Nieman had always had an obsession with Kate, ever since that first meeting with her she seemed fixated on Kate and he knew the type of plastic surgery that Nieman did. His mind began to run away with him, images of Kate faceless on an operating table as Nieman tried to replicate his wife's face onto her own, a sadistic plan that would ensure he would see Kate, but it wouldn't be her, that would never be her.

He was brought out of his thoughts by Kate shifting beneath him, her eyes beginning to flutter open. He continued to stroke her face, leaning down so he could see her face fully.

"Kate" he whispered, his voice quiet and soft.

The reaction was not what he expected. He eyes quickly shifted to the hand that was near her face, and when Castle tried to run his finger across her face again she quickly jerked her head away, the contact too much, too similar to the way Nieman had petted her when she was unable to fight back.

"Kate?" he questioned, as he watched her eyes scan the room and check where she was before they met his concerned gaze, similar to how she had reacted on the floor of their bedroom last night, confirming that she was back at home.

"I'm sorry, I just. _She_ just, and I tried to but I couldn't…" she lets out an exhale, seemingly annoyed with the way she just tried to explain why she jumped when Castle touched her face.

It wasn't him, she knew that much, it was the action. Waking up to someone stroking her face had seemed all too similar to when she had woken up on the cold metal table. Restrained and unable to do a thing to stop Kelly Nieman's hands from stroking her face.

"It's not you" she concluded, burying her face back into his chest, bringing her hand to her mouth, feeling guilty for even needing to explain that it wasn't him, she couldn't bear to see the hurt in his eyes.

She relaxed back into him and as he leaned back in the bed. Both of them sitting in a comfortable silence, taking in the fact that each of them was still there, still breathing life into the world.

Castle waited for Kate to speak, he knew he couldn't push her and that if he tried she may close in on herself. It was better for him to wait until she was ready to open up. Last night she was vulnerable and had opened up slightly which he took as a huge step for her, but he knew that she understood he needed to know the full story. He hadn't read the statement she had given yesterday, he had only heard what she had told Lanie when she had checked her over and even then that wasn't much. Two full days she had been missing, two days of wondering where she was and what was happening to her. He knew she had been drugged so she wouldn't remember some of it and maybe that was for the best. When they had found her she wasn't wearing the clothes she had been taken in, instead the other woman, the woman he thought was Kate, who was shot right in front of his eyes was wearing them. The thought of Kate having to go through Nieman and Tyson undressing and redressing her whilst she was helpless to stop them was all too much to think about, but it seemed impossible to get the images out of his mind.

He didn't know how long they had been quiet for, how long Kate had been looking into his eyes, as if she could read his thoughts entirely.

"Castle you don't want to know" she said softly, her love pouring out for him. She wanted to protect him. She knew he had been through a similar trauma to her, not knowing where she was. He had been held hostage by Tyson as well, he had enough thoughts spinning round in his head.

She didn't want him to have to know what happened, it was bad enough that she went through it and then had to give a statement, she didn't know if she was strong enough to relive it again. Not that way Castle would want to know it, when giving her statement it was all about detaching her emotions, it was just another case, one that had now been solved, but here, with Castle she knew she wouldn't be able to explain what had happened without it becoming more than a statement.

She watched as he took a breath, forcing the air out of his lungs.

"Kate, I need know." He pleaded, no longer able to hide the seriousness of his voice

"What if you can't handle what you hear?" she asked, her voice still small and full of concern.

"What if you don't let me try?" His words ringing in her ears similar to those that she had asked him nearly two years ago. At a time when she needed answers he was there for her and now she needed to do the same for him.

"Ok. Why don't you go and make us some coffee and I'll just go and freshen up and then we can talk", a smile appearing on her lips, trying to convey that she was ok with this, they needed this, they needed to get back to some form of normality, whatever that was.

Castle gave Kate a small soft kiss before heading to the kitchen.

Beckett took a moment before moving. She felt safe in their bed, but she knew she needed to put more cream on her wrists, Lanie had warned her about the risk of infection what with that place not being exactly sterile and the fact that when they had found her she was covered in Nieman's blood. Kate pushed back the covers, lifted herself from the bed and slowly made her way towards the bathroom.

She stopped in front of the mirror above the sink, taking in her reflection. Dark circles had appeared under her eyes and the corners of her mouth had begun to chap from the thick fabric that Nieman had forced into her mouth. She ran the cold water before splashing it on her face, using her fingers to wash away the sleep from her eyes. The water felt good bringing a sense of awakening to her. It still didn't feel real. It still felt like a nightmare that she was trapped in.

"They are dead. We killed them. It's over" she told herself, repeating it in her head as if trying to convince herself that it was real. She knew Nieman was dead, she killed her, she watched her struggle and beg as the life drained out of her. Her blood on her hands.

Kate washed her hands again, noticing that the wound on her finger had reopened slightly, but nothing that wouldn't heal with time. She had lost count of the amount of times she had washed them since they had found her. Even when Castle had brought her wedding band back to her she had insisted on washing them again before he placed it back on her finger.

It wasn't the fact that she had killed Nieman, she had killed people before, it was the way she did it. She stabbed her, multiple times and something about that didn't sit right with her. It may have been the fact that it was so close, so personal, her hands had been on Nieman as she died, with a gun there was a distance between her and the criminal. However she knew in the back of her mind there was another reason she had found it so disturbing; her mother had been stabbed. She had done to Kelly what someone had done to her mother. Beckett looked at herself again in the mirror, not wanted to believe it.

'It was self-defense' she told herself, knowing she was right, the DA had cleared her, she was not a murderer and she was nothing like her mother's killer. But the thought had been planted, the idea seeded in her mind. She knew it would take time to overcome that, but she knew she could, she was strong and she had Castle with her. She quickly drained the water in the sick before patting her face dry again, taking a moment to steady herself, preparing for the conversation she was about to have.

Moving back to the bedroom Castle was still in the kitchen so she climbed back into the bed and began rubbing the cream into her wrists. They were still soar, still raw from her constant struggle against them. Nieman's voice sadistically telling her, 'there's no point resisting detective', the use of her title, as if this woman really did admire her. She began to work more cream into her wrists, determined to get them to heal quicker so she didn't need to look at the constant reminder of what she went through.

Her intentions were clear. She would explain what happened to Castle. Get it all out in the open, then they could work through it. She didn't want to go back and see Dr Burke if she could help it. He was there for her when she and Castle weren't together, now she had Castle and she knew he would be there to support her every step of the way. After everything they had been through together, he deserved to know the truth. If she was still struggling after that, then maybe she would go and see Dr Burke, but right now she just needed Rick.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: So this chapter got pretty long. I hope people are still enjoying the story, like I say I always welcome feedback and advice, I'm still very new to this. The next chapters might not appear as quickly but will be coming along in the near future. Anyway enough from me, please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: As much as I would love to, I do not own Castle. This is purely just a hobby.**

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Ten minutes later they were both sitting up in bed, each nursing a coffee between the fingers. Kate leaned into Castle as much as she could, not wanted to break any connection from him just yet.

She didn't know where to start. The beginning was probably a good place, but she wasn't even sure where that was, her thoughts were still a mess in her head, unsure of what happened and in what order. There was still a huge portion of the two days that she didn't have a clue about, the lack of food and water combined with the amount of drugs she had been given had made it difficult to stay alert. She looked to Castle helplessly silently begging him to give her a way to begin.

"You said last night that your wrists aren't as bad as they look. How are they this morning?" of course he knew how to start, start with something she was comfortable with, something that would ground her, remind her that she had won.

"They hurt slightly, but I think that is a good sign, it means their healing." She had answered his question. Good, that was a start, but the look in his eyes was telling her that she needed to continue.

"I was tied down for most of what I can remember." She paused going back to how it felt to have her arms bound behind her back and her ankles taped together as she rolled around the back of the van. She was sure she could feel a bruise beginning to form on her hip bone and assumed it was from crashing into the side of the van when Amy had taken a particularly hard right.

"I was waiting for Amy, I couldn't see her anywhere but decided to stay for a moment just in case she showed. My phone rang and I thought it was you, but when I answered it, it was that song. We'll meet again. I froze Castle I didn't know what to think. I felt this stab in my arm and before I knew what was happening everything had gone black."

Castle rested his cup on the bedside table before reaching back and taking Kate's hand in his, giving her silent strength to continue. He knew it would do no good to push her, now she was talking about it, it seemed only right to let her lead the conversation.

"Did you find my phone?" she asked and he couldn't help but wonder why she cared about her phone.

"I don't think so, but I didn't stay long after CSU got there so I don't know, it might be in evidence somewhere. I can call Ryan and get him to check if you like?

"Yeah, I would like that." She saw the confused look he was giving her, wondering why after everything she had been through she would be worried about a phone.

"It has some of our wedding pictures on, just the ones we took. I never did get round to putting those on my laptop" she told him, answering his unasked question.

Now he understood. It wasn't the phone. The phone could be replaced; that he knew from personal experience, instead it was the memories that were held on it that she was more concerned about.

"I'll call Ryan later and have him check"

"Thanks Rick"

She paused again. Taking a drink of her coffee before settling the mug down on her beside table and turning back to face Castle. Pausing for a moment to find a place to continue.

"After that everything is a bit mixed-up. I remember being in a van of some kind. I tried to move but I couldn't. I know I was tied up because later on, Nieman untied me. I think it was more to do with the drugs she had given me. Amy was no doctor and I remember her and Nieman arguing. Kelly was screaming at her saying she had given me too much and that she could have killed me. I think I was in the room you found me in at this point. I tried to stay still and figure out what was happening, but as soon as they saw I was coming round Kelly told Amy to help get me ready."

'Get her ready', he didn't even know what to make of that. They knew she had been transported in a van and the room they had found her in had been set up like some sadistic operating room, but he was confident that they hadn't done anything to her, but now he wasn't too sure.

"I remember trying to move. I tried to fight them off but it was no use, I was too weak"

"You were not weak Kate, you were drugged"

"Either way it didn't make much difference. I kept trying to fight them, I tried screaming, I swear I did everything I could, it just wasn't enough. She told me she'd had enough. She gagged me and then injected me with something again. Something different this time, it wasn't as sudden, my body seemed to relax and there was nothing I could do. I watched them bring out some scrubs, the ones you found me in. Nieman cut the tape off my ankles. She pulled my boots off. The last thing I remember is her working on untying my hands before I passed out completely"

He felt sick. He could feel the bile rising up his throat and he had to focus all his energy on making sure that he wasn't actually sick.

"Kate, she didn't…" he asked tentatively, unsure if he really wanted to know the answer.

"No" she replied quickly, taking hold of this hand more firmly, reassuring him, taking away some of the tension that was coursing through his muscles.

"It was never about that Castle. Yes she had a fixation with my face, but nothing else, she wanted to hurt me, to punish us both, but it was never like that. I would know, I promise you, I wouldn't lie to you" she had to make him believe her. It was the truth, she believed she would know if anything had happened to her. It was clinical and sickening to think they had changed her, that they used her clothes to dress up someone to look like her in order to get back at Castle. She felt like a pawn in their twisted games, well until Kelly Nieman decided she wanted to try Kate's face out for size anyway.

He pulled her closer to him, needing to feel that connection to her, a need to know that she was there, that although they were reliving this nightmare together there was a happy ending.

They both sat for a moment, each needing time to process what had just been spoken. Castle found himself drawing soothing patters around her wrist and the back of her hand. He smiled at the memory of how they would use a handshake as a kiss when they were at the precinct, their way of saying goodbye without anyone knowing. He watched as she slowly began to do a similar thing with the hand hers was resting on. Her touch much softer and gentle as her slim fingers traced the lines on his hand. Her wedding band sitting back where it was supposed to be.

Her voice broke the silence. Now with more of a tone of acceptance rather than fear of what had happened.

"When I woke up again I was strapped to the table I told you about. I was on my own but there was a camera there. As soon as I started to move, to try and get free she came into the room."

He shifted his body so they were facing again, he needed to see her properly when she told this story; he needed to know she was safe and comfortable.

"She didn't speak to me at first instead she sat at her computer. I was still coming to and didn't really notice what she was doing. I felt around and found the screw, I thought if I could loosen it then I could slip the fabric cuff off the bar and I'd have my hand free."

Her memories were clearer now, she remembered the pinch of the cuffs around her wrists as she strained to reach the screw, she had tried pulling her wrists through the cuffs but there was no give in them.

"She came and spoke to me, told me that she admired me and that if I co-operated, if I didn't resist her or start screaming that she would take the gag off. I didn't want to agree to it, but I needed to talk to her, I needed to find out what was happening and try and talk her round. So I agreed."

"Kate you had to in order to survive" Castle told her, sensing that she was blaming herself, sensing that she felt as though she was weak and had given up by playing along with the heartless doctor's plan.

"She warned me about resisting, so when she began stroking my face again I tried to stay calm, just let her get on with it" she breathed out.

Finally.

Taking a breath to calm herself. The memory of Nieman's fingers tracing the line of her jaw all too vivid in her mind. It was the same movement by Castle that had led to this conversation. His actions had been so similar and yet so different at the same time. Nieman's actions had been that of someone who was obsessed with perfection, a twisted obsession that had grown over the years and accumulated in Kate Beckett tied down to an operating table ready to become her next victim. Castle's actions had been different, they had been ones of love and compassion, a caring side that showed how strong his love for her was.

"And that's why you reacted the way you did, both this morning and last night?" he asked.

Kate nodded. A small movement that signaled she needed a moment. A moment to compose herself and remind herself that she was safe. The memory of the night terror still alive in her mind, she hadn't reacted that way in a long time and her actions had taken even herself by surprise.

"I'm sorry" Castle said strongly, if he'd have known he would never have done that. He knew he was there to support her and yes he had been through the trauma himself, but he had had people backing him up all the way, she had been alone without a clue as to what was happening.

"Castle you didn't know. Please don't feel guilty. I can't let this be a barrier between us" she explain.

Slowly she moved her fingers in his grasp so she was holding his hand. She turned to face him, looking into his confused eyes. Making sure that she was holding his hand but so that his palm and fingers were uncovered. She slowly brought their joined hands up to her face. As soon as she felt his warm hands on her she had to do her best not to jump at the contact, but she held steady, kept her focus, focused on his touch, how large and rough his hands were, fingers that had written best sellers, hands that had pleasured every inch of her body, hands that loved her. She let her eyes slip closed and released her hold on his hand as he took over. Gently soothing his fingers down her face. His fingers rested on her chin and he slowly pulled her in for a gently loving kiss. She kissed him back. A feeling he loved so much, the connection between them growing stronger with every second that passed.

They pulled apart, smiling at each other before settling back down into each other's arms. He knew there was more to hear, and knew it was best to hear it all now, no matter how long and painful it may be but he was there for her and always would be.

"It was then she told me she wanted my face." Kate's voice broke the silence. Carrying on explaining what happened. She had tried to think of a way to break it to him without it sounding as though she was ruining the moment, but there was no way of doing that. It happened, she needed to accept that and for Castle to understand how real and terrifying it actually was.

"She used some machine to scan my face and it created an image of me. God Castle it was me, it was so much like me. She told me the police would be looking for her and that she needed a new face. And she had chosen mine." He voice became quieter towards the end, as if the realisation of what those words meant had finally hit home.

"I panicked Castle. I completely lost it. I couldn't handle the thought of her taking my face, I saw what it did to Lanie and Javi and I couldn't bare that happening to you. For you to have to see my face like that. I tried to struggle, I did everything I could but it was hopeless. She gagged me again but I refused to stop screaming, it seemed like my only option. Once she had lowered the table back down she grabbed my face, forcing me to look at her. She told me if I didn't calm down she would sedate me again. I knew if she did that I wouldn't wake up again. So I stopped." She said quickly, too quickly really but her thoughts seemed to run away with her.

"She went back to working on her project. I tried not to look. I had managed to get the bolt off the bar but it wouldn't budge. I found the strap that was connected to my wrists and began picking at it. With my nail broken it made it easier to unpick the stitching, I just needed time."

Time that he had provided for her, the time he had spent talking to Tyson was all the time she had needed to work herself free.

"Her phone rang. It was Tyson, they didn't talk for long but by the end of the conversation I knew it wouldn't be long before she would kill me"

"I could see you Kate. They had a monitor set up"

"You could see me?" she asked, her voice hesitant, frightened of what he might have seen.

"Yes. You were strapped down. I didn't see Nieman, but I knew she was there with you. Tyson used a stun gun on me and knocked me out, when I came to he was on the phone with her, he said something about getting you ready and waiting for his call. I knew I needed to stall him. We talked. He believed he had won, he thought he had lured me there, but the truth was I needed to be there, I needed to find him, in order to find you. He didn't count on me bringing back up, or the fact that Espo is a great shot. He went down and we scrambled to find you. The last image I saw of you, you were still on that God dam table"

"You saved me" she whispered.

He looked at her confused, from what he had seen and partially heard she had saved herself.

"Because he didn't call I had more time. I managed to get my wrist free." She explained.

"For a moment I thought she was going to leave, she looked ready to, but then something inside her changed. She put her bag down and picked up the scalpel. She moved it towards my face and that was when I grabbed her wrist."

A sense of relief filled the room, he knew most of how the story went from here, she had won and that was the important thing, he didn't need to know how exactly she had killed Nieman, it was enough to know that she had. However the look she was giving him was telling him she wasn't finished. Something about what she had done had struck something within her, he knew she needed to tell him this, it was clearly important to her.

"I broke her arm. The scalpel went scattering off but she had a whole table full of them left. I cut myself loose. There was so many straps though it took me longer than anticipated and by the time I was off the table she was coming at me with the scalpel again. I don't remember exactly what I did. I remember we fought and fell over the table. She dropped the scalpel and it landed right next to me. She lunged for it but I manage to get it."

Kate looked down, as if ashamed by her actions for some unknown reason.

"I stabbed her." she said, her eyes locking with his.

"She wouldn't go down though. She tried a different approach. She told me she was sorry. Begged me not to hurt her. For a second I didn't notice the scissors she was holding. As soon as she knew I had seen them she gave up her charade and went for me again."

She paused, gathering her thoughts, deciding how far to take this, how to explain how she was feeling, explain the sickening feeling she was getting in her stomach.

"I cut her throat. She just went still. Her body went into shock before she collapsed on the floor." She explained, deciding that it was best just to keep it simple, straight to the point.

She kept her eyes focused on his, the blue swirls of his gazing back at her, offering her support, telling her that everything was ok.

"I killed her Castle. I stabbed her, what does that make me?" she asked desperately, her voice beginning to break.

"It makes you a survivor Kate" he replied, his voice strong. He knew the amount of energy she had used telling him this, he had watched her become drained and tired, now it was his turn to take over, to be the strength she needed.

"Kate, nothing you did was wrong. It was not murder, it was self-defense and I'm so glad that you did what you needed to do to survive, in order to come home. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you. Yesterday I thought I had. They had a girl wearing your clothes, and they had your voice telling me it was a trap before the gunshots went off. I thought I had just watched you die, in those moments I thought I had lost you forever. When I realised it wasn't you I was so grateful. I knew I couldn't lose you, so knowing that you did whatever it took to make sure that didn't happen makes me love you even more, if that's even possible"

Her next actions surprised him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing her right leg over his two until she was sat on his lap facing him, tucking her neck into the crease of his and pressing her body tightly to him. He held her tightly, never wanting to let go again.

"Thank you Castle" she whispered into his ear.

He didn't reply, he didn't need to, she knew already that he would always be there for her, no matter what she needed, he was there.

She still felt uneasy, something still didn't feel right, but at this moment she couldn't place it, nor did she want to spend too much time thinking about it. Right now she was happy simply sitting in her husband's arms, safe in the knowledge that for now they were ok.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4. Once again this got far longer than originally anticipated, however we are moving on to a bit more of the story now, there will probably be about two more chapters it all depends on how much time I get to write and if my imagination decides to run away with me.**

**Once again thank you for all the reviews, follows and favorites, you don't know how much I appreciate them and they really help me carry on writing.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle as much as I wish I did. This is just a hobby.**

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It was a while before either of them moved, their bodies demanding what they had missed over the last two days, but eventually Kate knew she needed to move, her body ached with bruises as the fight she had endured was finally catching up with her body. She leaned back and kissed Castle again, slow and gently simply needing that last bit of contact before the day began. When she leaned back she noticed a small red mark appearing on Castle's face where she had struck him the night before. She traced the mark with her index finger, softly, taking in what she had done to him. The nightmare had been so real, as if she had really been back there, she'd tried to do to Castle what she had done to Nieman, it was a reaction to something she couldn't control, but it was still frightening knowing that she capable of that.

"I'm sorry about this" she said, as her fingers continued to soothe over the marred patch of skin.

"It's not your fault Kate" he replied, but he could see she felt guilty.

"Come on, I'll find you some ice" she said moving off his lap, entwining her fingers with his, pulling him up from the bed and leading the way to the kitchen.

The loft was quiet without Martha and Alexis, she remembered him saying something about them coming home once they had done some shopping, or something to that effect, but her mind hadn't been entirely focused on what he was saying.

Once in the kitchen Castle made his way to the cupboard, intent on making the best pancakes he could whilst Kate went to the freezer to get an ice pack. It had become a habit to have them in the freezer, with all the bumps they had endured over the years it seemed the logical thing to do to have ice on standby.

"Here" she said turning to face him,

"Sit down"

He complied, pulling up one of the bar stools and making himself comfortable. Kate stood in the V of his legs and gently pressed the ice to his cheekbone. He watched her intently, taking in her stance and expression. He knew she felt guilty so he let her do this. If doing this made her feel better then he would sit there all day, even though he knew by now the ice would probably have very little effect.

He watched as she seemed lost in her thoughts, she slowly moved the ice and replaced in with her warm hands. She closed her eyes and rested for forehead on his, a movement that they had both grown to love.

"Come on, I'm going to make pancakes and then we can see about finding your phone" Castle said, moving his head so they were looking at each other again.

"Sounds good to me" Kate replied.

The rest of the morning seemed to pass quickly. Castle cooked pancakes as Beckett made the coffee, each making small talk and trying to get back to how things used to be. The pancakes were warm and filling and after not eating for two days it was exactly what Kate had needed. She hadn't realised how hungry she had been until they were placed in front of her. Nieman hadn't fed her and from what she can remember she had only given her a sip of water at some point, but she didn't have a clue when that happened or even if it actually happened and instead wasn't just a pigment of her imagination as dehydration took over.

After breakfast Castle went to phone Ryan to find out about Kate's phone. He hadn't gone down to evidence to collect her wedding ring, Ryan had done it for him as he didn't want to leave her side, but he wanted her to have a part of herself back, something to remind her that she was home.

Whilst on the phone Kate went to take a shower. Turning the water temperature up she stared at herself in the mirror before the stream took over. She thought she looked thinner, the lines of her ribs and hips more prominent. A large purple bruise had formed on her hip that was spreading up the side of her abdomen. Another smaller bruise had appeared on her thigh just above her left knee, but the one that took her by surprise was a smaller bruise at the top of her thigh, it was small and oval shaped similar to a fingerprint size, as if someone had squeezed her skin until it bruised under the surface. Considering its position she knew is wouldn't have been from the fight, otherwise it would have been larger. No this was a more personal one. One that a part of her dreaded knowing where it came from.

She stepped into the shower and let the water cascade down her body, as much as she loved baths, she needed fresh water, she needed to feel clean again. Grabbing the washcloth she began to wash her skin, with each stroke she seemed to uncover more marks that she hadn't noticed before, a puncture wound on the top of her left arm that was beginning to bruise, she figured that was from when Amy had injected her, another on her right arm, this one smaller and more precise, she assumed that one was from Nieman. It sickened her to think that behind the psychopath there was a doctor, someone who had taken an oath to saving lives and the professional way she had drugged her only fuelled her ideas that she was crazy.

Stepping out of the shower she wrapped herself in one of their warm towels as she dried off her hair and moved to the bedroom. Drying herself off she slipped into her softest pair of yoga pants and her NYPD T-shirt. Blow drying her hair before tying it up in a loose ponytail she moved back into the living room to find Castle sitting on the couch with Lanie.

As soon as Lanie saw her she stood up and moved towards Kate wrapping her arms around her and squeezing her gently. Kate returned the hug, as much as she needed Castle, she also needed her friends as well. Lanie had always been there for her, they had started working for the 12th at a similar time and instantly had become friends and had been there for each other ever since.

"How are you feeling?" Lanie asked as they moved back over to the couch.

Kate moved to sit next to Castle, his arm wrapping around her shoulder.

"I'm ok, just a bit soar that's all" Kate replied.

Lanie knew she was lying, she knew there was something more to it, possibly something she hadn't completely come to terms with yet, but she would find out, she wasn't going to let Kate bottle everything up, if she needed support then she was going to get it.

"I've brought your phone back. It was in evidence, CSU found it at the... well at the crime scene. Nieman had it, but everything looks fine with it. Castle said you were looking for it?"

"Yeah. Thank you for bringing it Lanie. It has some pictures from our wedding on that I didn't want to lose"

"I thought you guys got them all printed so..." then it dawned on her, the way Kate was trying to hide her face with her hair,

"oh I see, _those_ kinds of pictures"

"No Lanie, just… special ones"

"um-hum," Lanie raised an eyebrow at her in disbelief.

"Lanie!"

"No I believe you, thousands wouldn't but"

Kate rolled her eyes at her friend, even at a time like this she knew how to put a smile on her face.

"I'm just glad you brought it over. I thought Ryan was getting it"

"Gates has given him and Espo the rest of the week off, so it was either go down there or wait until Monday, but then Lanie called and she said she would get it and bring it round." Castle explained.

"I need to go and phone Alexis, just check in and see what time their flight is, you ok here for a moment?" he asked, he didn't want to leave her side and if she wanted him to stay he would, but he thought it would do her good to break away for a few minutes, remind herself that they needed to try and continue on as normal.

"I'll be fine. Give her my love" Kate replied.

Castle pulled her gently into him and kissed her forehead before standing up and moving to the office.

Lanie waited until Castle was out of ear shot before turning to Kate,

"How are you really?" she asked, the seriousness in her tone imploring Kate to tell the truth.

Kate breathed out heavily, knowing Lanie wouldn't drop it until she knew what was really going on.

"Shaken up. Bruised. I keep seeing her face. Last night I had a nightmare and I hurt Castle, I hit him." She explained, not really knowing which the worst part was.

"Sweetie, Castle understands, you can't help the nightmares, only time will heal those. What you have been through most people don't even come close to experiencing in a lifetime. It's going to take time for you to accept what happened."

Kate looked down, she didn't know what to do, everything seemed so confusing right now. She needed to make herself strong again first physically and then mentally. That was the way she had always done things, once she knew her body was strong enough, her mind seemed to follow.

"I have a bruise" Kate said, finally able to bring her eyes back up to meet Lanie's.

"I found it this morning in the shower. It's small, nothing major but I don't know where it came from and I'm scared of what might have happened." She admitted.

"Would you like me to have a look?" Lanie asked, unsure of what it would lead to.

"Would you please? I know you gave me the all clear yesterday but could you just check, tell me what you think made it?"

"Of course. Come on we'll go into the bedroom where it's more private." Lanie said standing up prompting Kate to do the same.

They slowly made their way into the bedroom, passing Castle in the office. Kate walked in quickly and Lanie turned to Castle holding up one hand, silently telling him Kate was ok, she just needed a moment. His face dropped but he knew Lanie would take care of her and her face didn't look concerned, she was probably just checking that she was healing.

Lanie closed the door behind her and found Kate standing at the foot of the bed.

"Ok, do you want to lie down?" Lanie asked.

Kate shuffled her feet on the spot, lying down and being examined was all too similar, she shook her head decisively.

"It's at the top of my thigh" she said moving to lift the corner of her t-shirt and pulling the corner of her pants down slightly.

Lanie knelt down and took hold of the corner of her pants to hold them there, with her other hand she brushed the bruise gently. It look as though someone had pinched her skin, similar to what someone would do if they were administering an injection. Lanie looked closer and noticed a small puncture wound, extremely small and clearly done by a professional. She let go of Kate pants and stood up as Kate fixed her shirt. They both perched on the end of the bed, turning to face each other.

"It looks as if they injected you there. There is lots of muscle and fat there so it makes the perfect injection site, the bruise looks as if they pinched the skin together, like you would do if you were injecting someone. From the bruising pattern I would say they only injected you once there, but if you had been awake when it had happened and tried to move whilst they did so, that could be a reason why it has come up" Lanie informed her, remaining professional at all time, Kate would want nothing less.

Kate breathed a sigh of relief, she had thought it had been a hand print and because of the location she dreaded to think what might have happened whilst she had been unconscious.

"You're sure that's what it is?" she asked, needed to be sure.

"Yes." Lanie replied confidently, drawing on her ME experience.

"That's ok then" Kate concluded, she went by what the evidence told her. Lanie had checked her over yesterday and told her there were no signs that they had physically hurt her, other than the obvious abrasions on her wrist.

"Kate, have you talked to Castle about what happened?" Lanie knew it was hard for her to open up, but over the years she had watched her open up more and more, especially to Castle, the wall she had built around herself after her mother's murder was slowly coming down.

"Actually we spent most of the morning talking about it. He knows everything now. We're partners Lanie, I don't hide anything from him anymore" she admitted.

Lanie smiled, pleased that her very stubborn friend had finally seen sense and agreed to open up more. However she still sensed something was wrong, the distant look in Kate's eyes telling her that there was something else bothering her.

"What's on your mind Kate?" She asked.

Kate shook her head, she was tired and didn't want to go over it all again, not right now.

"It's nothing. I'm just really tired that's all. Didn't get much sleep last night"

Lanie looked at her worryingly, she knew Kate would have trouble sleeping. Javi had told her what happened after she was shot and she just prayed her PTSD wouldn't rear its head again. Kate was strong, but sometimes the mind is just as strong.

Castle broke the silence by knocking on the bedroom door before opening it.

"Hey, Alexis and mother are boarding the first flight home tomorrow and should be home about noon, they are both really looking forward to seeing you" he explained joining Kate at her side.

"So I thought we could just relax for the rest of the day, I could make us some lunch" he suggested, keeping his tone light and upbeat.

"Yeah that sounds nice, why don't you go and make a start, I'll be out in a minute, I just want to put some more cream on my wrists."

Castle didn't question it, he knew she had been covering them in cream ever since last night, but if it helped her then he wasn't going to say anything. Instead he made his way to the kitchen and began preparing a chicken and mushroom pasta, something warm and filling for her.

Lanie watched him go as Kate moved to pick up the cream and began the routine of rubbing it on her wrists.

"He cares about you" she commented

"I know."

Sick of the gentle approach, Lanie put it bluntly to her, sometimes she figured that was the best way,

"Then what's the problem Kate, because something is wrong"

"Lanie I killed someone last night" Kate blurted out, her voice strong and annoyed that she even had to say it.

"And yes I know I've killed before but there is a big difference between shooting someone from a distance and stabbing someone who is inches away from you. I watched the life drain out of her. I killed her the same way Coonan killed my mother. I could have ran, I could have wounded her or secured her until back up to arrive, but I didn't. I killed her."

"Kate…" Lanie began but was cut off,

"Lanie please. I know you just want to help and I appreciate that, but right now I can't deal with this. It's all just too much."

"Ok" Lanie said, relenting and placing her hand on Kate's arm.

"You need time. If you can't talk to me or to Castle then what about your therapist. You said he helped before, there's no reason it won't help now"

"Lanie it hasn't even been twenty four hours yet. I don't want to go and see Burke if I can help it. I just need time to get my thoughts straight."

"Gates is going to require you see someone before you return to work anyway, so why not him, better him than some stranger who doesn't know you."

Kate thought about this and knew Lanie was right. It was NYPD policy that anyone who had suffered a trauma whilst handling a case was seen by a medical professional both physical and psychological.

"Maybe you're right" Kate sighed.

"I'll call him this afternoon and speak to him"

"Good. If you need anything you let me know." Lanie replied, content in the knowledge that Kate had seen sense.

Kate nodded.

"I will do. Thanks Lanie, for everything"

She moved to hug her friend,feeling guilty for the way she had spoken to her but knew Lanie wanted an honest answer, there was no other way to be with Lanie. They both walked back into the kitchen. Rick was busy chopping away as Kate perched herself on one of the bar stools. Lanie grabbed her coat and after giving Kate a final hug and kiss goodbye she made her way to the door, Castle followed to show her out.

"You take care of my girl there mister" she told Castle in a light-hearted but serious manner.

"I intend to" he replied, watching as she made her way towards the elevator.

When he returned to the kitchen Kate was stirring in the sauce for the pasta. They enjoyed cooking together, it was one of the things they were both quiet good at; even if she did chop vegetables at a snail's pace. He joined her at the counter, grabbing some plates from the cupboard on his way and setting them down ready for plating.

Kate continued to stir the pasta whilst it simmered gently. Lost in her own thoughts, it seemed only right to tell him she was going to call Dr Burke today, she would try and schedule an appointment for tomorrow morning, wanting it to be over with by the time Martha and Alexis returned home.

"I'm going to call Dr Burke" she stated and she sensed Castle go ridged beside her.

"Gates will want me to talk to someone and I'd rather it be him." She explained and thankfully his body relaxed slightly.

"I figured you would at some point. Would you like me to come with you?" he asked, if she needed him he would be by her side.

However she shook her head.

"No, you don't need to hear it all again"

"Kate if it helps you then I will listen to it again and again. We're in this together" he reminded her.

She stopped stirring the pasta and turned to face him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Without her heels on she only reached up to his shoulders so his arms could wrap comfortably around her and he could rest his head on hers.

"Thank you Castle."

"That's what partners are for" he whisper softly into her hair.

"Come on, let's eat and then we can arrange an appointment. Then I would like to spend the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing, except being with you. How's that sound?" he asked, hoping to lighten the mood slightly.

"That sounds perfect" she said looking up at him and pulling him in for a kiss.

She hadn't decided if she wanted him with her when she spoke to Burke, but knowing that he was just outside, knowing that he would come in if she needed him to, was enough to give her the strength she needed to put this thing to rest once and for all.

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**Thanks for reading, please review I'd love to hear your thoughts. H.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5.**

**First off I just wanted to say another huge thank you to all the people who have reviewed, you have no idea how happy reviews make me and they really encourage me to write more. Sorry this took a little longer than expected. Work is extremely busy at the moment however I am aiming to get one chapter published each week. This one is a little smaller, but the next one is starting to get pretty lengthy... **

**A part of this chapter was inspired by a prompt that I saw on Tumblr about Kate's reaction to seeing the Taser marks on Castle.**

** To the guest reviewer who said they haven't been watching season 7 because it isn't out in the UK yet, I honestly don't know how you have done that, I am from the UK and I just don't have that amount of will power! Also to the guest reviewed about the injection meaning that Kate can't get pregnant, that thought had never crossed my mind, I'm all for little Caskett babies! And to everyone else a huge THANK YOU!**

**Anyway enough from me, I hope you enjoy and once again please leave a review or constructive criticism as it is always appreciated, please bear in mind this is my first published story so I am still a little nervous so any pointers are always helpful.**

**Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Castle. This is just a small hobby.**

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Castle and Beckett had spent the rest of the day simply being together. It wasn't often they had days like this, where she wasn't working or hanging on in case the phone rang, or that he didn't have a new chapter due or had to rush off for a meeting with his publicists. Today was special, even under the circumstances it was nice to just have a day off to reconnect with each other.

In the late afternoon they had moved back to the bedroom, both exhausted and ready for a nap. Usually this entailed little sleeping however today was different, today they were actually both going to take a nap. Even though they had managed to get some sleep it hadn't been fulfilling for both of them. After Kate had woken from her nightmare Castle had barely slept, content to just hold her. Kate had drifted off eventually but by the dark circles that had appeared under her eyes in the morning he could tell she hadn't slept well.

Kate had phoned Dr Burke and he had managed to fit her in at 8am the next morning so it would be an early start which meant an early night was in order, she was going to need her strength for the next day.

Once they were both back in their pyjamas they curled back into the comfort of their bed. Rick lying on his back as Kate moulded her body into his, one arm coming up onto his chest as she rested her head above his heart. The steady beating of his heart calming her, telling her she was safe at home. Once again they had left the bathroom light on, neither wanted to be in complete darkness just yet.

Castle ran soothing strokes up and down her arm coxing her to try and sleep. She needed to rest, he could sense how exhausted her body was. When they had been in the living room earlier she had struggled to keep up with the conversation, opting instead to murmur small noises and the odd one or two word sentence, but never more than that. When he had suggested going to bed he felt her body go stiff, as if she was afraid to sleep, but she knew her body was telling her to rest and so she had followed him without complaint to the bedroom and nestled in the bed beside him.

Morning did not come quickly and the night was not without nightmares. Luckily this time they hadn't been as bad. He recognised the signs once again, her feet. It always started with her feet. She was kicking at the sheets, trying to force them away from her body as if they were suffocating her. It was her kicking and moving of the bed covers that had stirred him to awaken. The cold air of a New York clinging to his skin as he shuffled closer to Kate. He did what he usually did in this situation, wrapped his arms around her; this time being careful not to touch her face, and pulled her body into his.

He could hear her muttering something against his chest, but couldn't work it out. He assumed it was another nightmare about Nieman and Tyson, it wasn't unexpected, after the talk they'd had earlier he guessed she would have a nightmare again. She was so strong in the daytime, she held it together so well, it was only when darkness fell that the cracks began to show.

In a way he was glad she had decided to see Dr Burke, even though she had said Gates would have made her anyway he felt better knowing that she would have to speak to him about what happened, he was no therapist but he was there to hold her through the dark days ahead.

He felt her jerk to consciousness in his arms, he hand resting on his chest gripped his shirt and pulled herself in closer to him.

He leaned down to whisper in her ear,

"It's alright Kate, it was just a nightmare" he reminded her.

It took her a moment for that to sink in. She had been there again, with Nieman. It had started off in a similar way to her previous nightmare, her restrained to a table unable to move as Kelly worked on digitally removing her face and placing it on her own. However this time she did manage to get her hand free, she got her hand free and suddenly she was off the table and attacking Nieman whilst her back was turned. In her dream she had killed her, stabbed her multiple times, she hadn't stopped until she watched Kelly's body drop slowly to the cold floor. Kate recalled feeling triumphant, but then she noticed it. The hair colour was different to Niemen's, the frame smaller and similar to her own. It was only once she was lying flat that Kate noticed that the body was not that of Kelly Niemen's, instead it was her mother; Joanna Beckett.

Kate remembered the nightmare vividly. She had crouched down, tried to help but it was no use, staring back at her was the image of her mother, lying dead in an alley, stabbed by a merciless contract killer.

She had killed Nieman in practically the same way Coonan had killed her mother.

When she had woken and realized where she was she tried to calm herself down, even after her nightmares about Nieman this one seemed worse, more personal. Taking a breath she reminded herself that it was in self-defense, it was kill or be killed, and she had chosen her own life.

She didn't want to tell Castle, it was better he thought it had just been another nightmare. She reminded herself of everything he had been though and thought it wasn't fair to keep burdening him with images her mind kept creating. No instead she would speak to Dr Burke about it, she knew the reason why it was playing on her mind; the situation was far too similar. With her gun she could distant herself. With a scalpel she couldn't.

"How are you feeling?" Castle asked, softly breaking the silence between them.

"Bit soar" she admitted, feeling the ache in her side.

"Another nightmare?"

Kate breathed out, not wanting to admit what had really happened.

"Yeah" she whispered. She didn't need to ask how he knew, she knew it was pretty obvious.

He pulled her closer to him, curling her body into his chest. He felt her relax into him, closing her eyes as her breathing softened.

"What time is it?" she asked without raising her head.

"Almost six. We should start getting ready, we need to leave in an hour."

Right. Burke, yes it was all becoming more real now. She was still undecided as to if she wanted him in the room with her. She didn't know if she could face it all again, seeing Castle's face distort with worry and anguish as she describe how Kelly stroked her face whilst telling her that she was going to use it on her own. It was different with Burke, he didn't want to know the story instead he asked her about her feelings and emotions and talked to her about overcoming them.

"I'm going to take a shower. Care to join me?" Castle asked.

Shower sharing was a regular occurrence for them and it usually led to a lot more than simply bathing, however this morning it wasn't about that. He didn't want to be apart from her. He wanted a way to re-connect with her, to help her replace the memories she had of Nieman and Tyson with memories of them together.

"I would love to" Kate replied, smiling at her husband. Even the simplest thing he offered her she loved.

Needing to get back to some form of normality Kate and Rick made their way to the bathroom. Castle turned on the water waiting until it had toughly heated up before stepping out of his pyjamas. Kate had done the same, slipping her hand into Castles before they both turned to enter the shower. Castle first like usual followed by Kate. One they were both under the spray they each took a minute to gaze at each other. This was the first time since she had been home that they had both seen each other nude. Castle reached up, slowing reaching for Kate's face, keeping his eyes locked with hers, making sure everything was ok, that she was ok with this. He pulled her into him, pressing their bodied together, he just needed to be with her, to know that she was with him.

He felt Kate move back slightly, worried he had taken things too far, and that he had rushed into things when she wasn't ready. He felt her slim fingers trail up his chest and rest in the middle, he could feel her fingers tracing circles on his chest. At first he didn't register what she was doing, why she would be repeating the same pattern over and over again, then he remembered. The Taser. The burn marks. The angry red welts it had left behind. He remembered Tyson using the Taser on him, the shock had took him completely by surprise and he was sure Tyson had left it shocking him longer than needed. He remembered his body going stiff and then collapsing onto the floor, it had knocked him out completely forcing him to wait until his muscles were back under control before he could carry on with his mission to find Kate. Forcing him to waste more time and for Kate to still be in the hands of Dr Kelly Nieman.

Beckett looked up at him, the questions swimming in her eyes.

"Castle?" she questioned, once again hoping he would understand her need to know what happened but her inability to ask him directly.

She sometimes had this problem with Castle, she wanted to know and as a detective she was trained to ask the right questions but for some reason when it came to Rick her voice was lost. All her trained seemed to disappear, she would never interrogate her husband, but even a simple question of 'what happened?' was proving harder than she realized.

"Tyson"

The mention of his name, sending a shiver through both of them.

"When I went to the house where I knew he would be, he surprised me. These are the marks from the stun gun he used on me." Castle explained.

"You should put some cream on them. They must hurt" Kate whispered.

Castle shook his head

"They're fine, honestly they will heal in a few days"

Kate nodded before moving her head back to his chest. He fingers still tracing the small red marks. She hoped they wouldn't scar, they didn't need a permanent reminder of what had happened, what they each had been through.

"Kate, look at me" Castle requested, needing to draw her out of her thoughts before they took complete control.

But she couldn't lift her head, her thoughts dragging her to places she didn't want be, she could have lost him just as easily as he could have lost her.

Castle placed his finger under her chin, lifting her head gently and then moving in to kiss her lips. Reconnecting with her. Bringing her back to him.

"It's ok Kate" he murmured.

"We're safe now. It's over"

With that the dam broke, the tears she had being holding in finally spilled, wrapping her arms securely around Rick's shoulders, pulling his body into her. Her body began to shake as the emotion took over, tears now free flowing down her face. She hadn't cried like this since she had seen his car ablaze in the ditch. Her tears mixed with the water that was flowing down her body, she couldn't stop her thoughts from racing. She had nearly lost him, she had nearly lost the only man she had every truly loved.

She felt her legs give out beneath her but Castle was there to hold her, to keep her steady, he would never let her fall.

He held her there for a while. Neither of them knowing exactly how long they had been there. They had needed this, a sense of coming together again. He knew this point would come eventually, when it had finally all sunken in. In a way he was glad it had happened now, when she was in his arms, rather now than on her own.

When he felt her body begin to relax slightly and her breathing had seemed to even out he reached over and grabbed the sponge and shower gel from the tray. Lathering up the sponge he began to wash her neck, moving down to her back and then around her chest. He loved doing this and he usually knew where it was heading, but right now neither of them was ready for that just yet. They were still on edge and he wanted it to be right, when they were both relaxed, not straight after she had just had a breakdown in front of him.

When they had finished Castle pulled in her for a slow kiss, enjoying the sensation as Kate melted into him.

"Come on. Let's get ready. Don't want to be late and then when we get back mother and Alexis should be here and I know they can't wait to see you"

"I'm looking forward to seeing them too" Kate replied, taking his hand once again in hers as Castle turned off the shower.

They both stepped out of the shower, wrapping themselves in the warm towels that hanged on the radiator.

Kate knew today would be difficult. The nightmare still lingered in her imagination and she knew she would need to talk to Burke about it. He would want to know and she needed to talk to someone who was neutral, someone who would ask her the questions that would help her, as much as Castle did that, he also took her side, she needed someone who would force her to think about it, force her to confront what had happened. It was the only way she would be able to move on.

* * *

**Please let me know what you thought. H. x**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Disclaimed: I am not associated with Castle, this is just a hobby.**

* * *

After showering Kate felt much better, her earlier breakdown only seemed to encourage her more. She figured that sometimes it is the best way to deal with things, to open up and show her emotions rather than lock them up inside. After fixing her hair in her typical style and slipping into her comfiest pair of jeans, softest blouse and boots she almost felt ready to go. There was just one thing missing. Her father's watch. She remembered seeing Castle put it in her jewellery box when they had arrived home, but she knew it had been on someone else's wrist since then.

As if sensing her hesitation Castle walked over to her dressing table, collecting the watch and moving back towards her. She was stood still, staring at her left wrist. The marks from the straps still visible but looking a lot less angry this morning.

Castle took her left wrist in his hand, soothing over the raw marks with his thumb as if trying to make them disappear. He took the watch strap and placed it on her wrist. Covering the abrasions with the thick black strap, he secured it around her wrist as she did customarily every morning. He turned her palm back over, rubbing a soothing circle on the back of her hand.

Kate continued to stare at the watch. It had always meant so much to her, the strength she had used to get her dad sober and back into a normal life after the death of her mother was the strength that she carried with her every day that she wore this. It covered the marks on her wrist completely, another sign that she had won, that she had all the strength she needed to put this all behind her.

"Ready to go?" Castle asked, hoping that she was ready for the demanding day that was sure to follow.

"Yes" Her reply was strong, confident, she was ready for this to be done with.

* * *

Sitting outside Dr Burke's office Castle could feel the tension in Kate's body. She was sat up leaning slightly forward, her palms pressed between her thighs with her eyes focused on the floor; she was nervous and Castle knew it wouldn't help the situation if she was on edge.

They had been waiting about ten minutes, traffic through the city had been light for once and on a day like today it was a blessing, they didn't need anything else adding to the stress of the day. The receptionist had guided them to a waiting area containing a large material couch with a glass covered coffee table with pink flowers sitting in the middle of it. They hadn't spoken since sitting down. Kate had opted to sit on the edge of the couch unable to relax into it, whereas Castle had managed to at least sit back slightly but still leant forward, copying her posture.

"I'm going to go in alone" Kate said, her voice strong and decisive finally breaking the silence.

"Ok, but if you need me. I'll be right out here"

She smiled at him, a soft warmth spreading across her lips, she loved this man. This man that had once drove her crazy, who had never listened to a word she had said was now sitting there, accepting her decisions and doing everything in his power to make sure she was ok.

"I know"

The conversation was short, but it was everything they each needed at that moment in time.

After what seemed like an eternity Dr Burke opened the door to his office and invited them in. Kate took a moment, preparing herself, she knew this would be hard, she hadn't needed to see Dr Burke for something as serious as this in a while and coming back to him felt as if she was going backwards. She felt Castle's hand cover hers and squeeze it gently.

"I'll be right here if you need me" he reminded her.

She smiled at him and leaned in for a short kiss before standing up and following Dr Burke into his office.

It hadn't changed much, the centre piece of the room was still the leather one piece chair opposite a two piece leather couch. The room still had dark furniture, however the large window that gave a fantastic view of the city made sure the room was light enough. There was something so freeing about the room being darker with only the natural light. It was as if she could talk about anything and it not be real, she could distance herself from it, but still return to the world by glancing through the window, using it as a reminder of what she needed to overcome.

She took her usual seat. He offered her a drink, but as usual she declined. They sat opposite each other for a moment. Kate tried to relax, she was unsure if she was trying to convince him or herself that she could do this. Opening up about a difficult situation had always been hard for her and it had taken a while after the shooting to come to term with everything that had happened, but she reminded herself that it had worked last time so there was no reason it wouldn't work this time.

"Kate." Dr Burke asked, ready to start the session.

"Why don't you tell me why you're here" he continued.

Kate didn't know where to start. Castle was always so good at giving her a point to start with. She wanted to begin with something she was clear on, something she knew was real because for two days she hadn't had a clue what was real and what was some drug induced state.

"I keep having nightmares" as soon as the words left her mouth she regretted them, that wasn't why she was here and they weren't real, but waking up covered in sweat on their bedroom floor with Kelly Nieman coming at her face with a scalpel had felt completely real to her.

"What about?" he always kept his questions simple, giving her the option to talk to him rather than feel she needed to answer every single question.

"I was kidnapped two - four – days ago" she's forgotten that she had been with Nieman for two days.

"We were working on a case. One that involved people we had arrested before. Jerry Tyson, the triple killer and his partner Dr Kelly Nieman."

"This is the same Jerry Tyson that you fought on the bridge a few years ago? The one who framed Castle for murder?"

"Yes. We thought he was dead. Last year there was a case that was so similar to his MO, but we could never make a secure link to him. It was the same this time. They were always one step ahead of us, they must have been planning this for well over a year."

She paused, remembering how she had left Castle to go after Amy on her own, believing that she had played right into their hands.

"and I played their game"

"What happened Kate? How did they take you?"

"I was tricked. One of the witnesses called me saying she was afraid and needed me to come and get her. I went alone without Rick."

Saying it out loud made it so she had to accept she had screwed up, at the time it seemed a simple enough job, collect the witness and bring her back, the only reason she hadn't taken Castle with her was because she thought she would be safe. Turns out that was very far from the truth.

"I was so stupid"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because Castle is my partner and if he had been with me then maybe none of this would have happened. I thought that she was genuine, I thought she was really in trouble. Turns out she was working with them. And I walked straight into their trap"

The tone in Kate's voice had changed. She was no longer afraid of what had happened but more annoyed with herself.

"Kate. These people you talk about, from what I've heard they seem to me like they would not have given up on capturing you. If Mr Castle had been with you then they would have simply found another way to take you. You cannot blame yourself for events that are out of your control."

Kate sighed. She knew she had to accept what happened in order to move on, but everything just seemed too much. In the darkness of the loft her feelings seemed more intact, she could work through things, but sitting here, confessing how she felt was much harder.

"After that everything is a bit mixed up. I was drugged and things aren't as clear after that"

Kate glanced to the door. A part of her simply wanted to get up and run to Castle, to run away from the intrusive questions that were sure to follow. However she knew she couldn't. She knew it wouldn't make things any better. She knew Castle was sitting out there and took comfort in the fact that he was willing to come in with her, to sit through the traumatic events again and again until it was truly over.

Dr Burke noticed her movements, knowing that she thought of Castle as her partner, in every aspect of the word. He had helped her when he hadn't even realized he had been doing it.

"Ok. Instead tell me about you and Castle, I understand you're now married" he said pointing to the ring on her finger.

Kate twisted the ring on her finger, as much as she loved it she knew someone else had worn it and made a mental note to clean it again once they got back to the loft.

"Yes, we got married three months ago. Just us and our family, nothing big and fancy, but it was everything we each wanted"

She smiled at the memory. In the end it had turned out to be everything they had each wanted, there was no fuss, there was hardly any preparation apart from her and Martha rushing to the nearest boutique store to find something quick to wear. The outfit was completely her, white tailored pants with a lace top and of course her signature killer heels. As much as she loved wearing her mom's dress, she felt like this was her. It was them. It was everything they were about.

"Why have you asked him to stay outside then Kate?"

Kate sighed. She could still see the pain in his eyes when she had explained everything to him.

"He doesn't need to hear it all again. He went through thinking I was dead, and then he asked me to tell him everything that I remember, he doesn't need to hear it all again"

She hung her head, she loved Castle and didn't want to hide anything from him, but in this situation it seemed better for her to simply get things off her chest without him there. With Dr Burke it was all about moving on, figuring out what the problem was and working out a plan of action. That was where Castle came in, he would be the one to help her.

"How has Castle been since you returned home?" Burke asked, keeping the subject similar to one she was confident in talking about.

"He's ok. He's been there for me. He's not pushed me into talking about things, instead he just listens and holds me when I need him to. It all I need right now."

Dr Burke nodded once, giving Kate a moment to pause. He watched as her eyes shifted in the darkness, silently checking that everything was ok, that she knew where she was and that she was safe. He had noticed this the first time she had come back to him after she had passed her psyche evaluation. When she had been under orders to attend the sessions she had kept a poker face, her eyes glued to his, her answers already prepared, she knew what to say in order to be signed off fit for active duty. However when she had returned under her own accord, she had curled into the sofa, pulling her knees to her chest, as if to protect herself. She had been unable to look at him fully, instead simply stealing glances every so often, as if to prove she had this under control; which couldn't be further from the truth.

"Do you think you can talk about what you do remember?" he asked, breaking the silence.

Kate nodded and took a deep breath before focusing her eyes on his.

"Why don't we start by what you are certain happened, what is the first thing you remember clearly?"

There was a pause. She knew that the first thing she remembered clearly wasn't the first thing that had happened. She remembered being in the van and waking up slightly, but then she remembered Amy coming into the back with her and injecting her again. This knocked her out completely and she knew it was a while before any situation she was in again made any clear sense.

"I woke up secured to a table in some kind of make-shift operating room. I wasn't in my clothes anymore and my watch and wedding ring had been taken. I was strapped down and Nieman walked in. She didn't talk to me at first, she went to her computer, then to some of the equipment around the room"

Kate paused, remembering how she felt when Kelly had pulled over a metal tray that would later hold an array of scalpels that were destined to kill her. A lump formed in her throat as her mind flash backed to the nightmares she had been enduring.

"She told me that she admired me that she always had"

"Do you think that is true?"

"She's always been obsessed with me. When I first met her the first comment she made was about my face, ever since then she has been fixated with it. She told me that she wanted my face, she told me she had chosen mine, as if it was something to be proud of. After that she didn't speak to me, well not until…"

She paused, remembering how Nieman had begged for her life towards the end.

"Until…" Burke promoted.

"Later. Not until later."

"How did you react to what she told you?"

"I freaked out" she admitted quickly, remembering how she had tried to twist her body out of Nieman's grasp, the feeling of being completely powerless consuming her body. She remembered trying to find purchase with her feet on the table, trying to push her body upwards and away but she was too firmly strapped down.

"I wasn't a detective any more. I forgot everything I had learned about how to behave in situations like that. I just wanted to live. I begged her not to, but she was ruthless"

"Is that why you are having nightmares? Because you felt as though you couldn't protect yourself?"

"I don't think so. They have been different each time. Mostly I just see her face, it looms over me and I can't escape it. Other times I can't get free from the table… one time I did"

"You broke free and yet you still think of that as a nightmare?"

"I killed her. In my dream I killed her, I stabbed her, but then it wasn't her"

"Who was it Kate?"

"My mother"

Dr Burke gave her a moment to process what she had just said. He could see the connection instantly, her mother had been stabbed and now Kate had stabbed someone, and for some people; like Kate, that connection was painfully clear, after everything she had been through, the amount of hours she had stared at the image of her mother lying dead in an alley, it hadn't surprise him that this case had opened up old wounds.

"You saw your mother in a dream?"

"Yes. I killed Nieman, or at least I thought I had, but then when I looked it wasn't her. It was my mom, lying there covered in blood and I was holding the scalpel"

"Kate, the reason why this may be is because Kelly Nieman's death was similar to that of your mothers, but you must know that what you did was self-defence"

"She begged me. She told me she would let me go, that she would testify against Tyson, she told me how she had always respected me and would come without a struggle. I think for a second I believed her. It was all a lie of course, as soon as I saw she was holding a pair of scissors I knew I had to defend myself, it was my only option. I understand that, I really do. But at the same time I can't stop thinking that I killed someone the same way someone killed my mother"

"You said it yourself Kate it was self-defence"

There was a silence between them. She couldn't come up with an answer and he wouldn't push her. He could see she was struggling, the nightmare clearly playing on her mind.

"Why was this kill different from the other people you've killed?" he asked, trying to bring her back to the present.

Kate knew the answer to this, she had realized why it had been so different. She had been right there, she had fought with Kelly just before she had slit her throat, her hands covered in her blood, it dripped off her fingers and onto the scalpel that she clutched in her hand. Such a small instrument. So sleek and precise. Unlike her gun, that was intimidating, bulky but just as precise.

"It was more personal" she concluded.

"Why does that make it different?"

"I was close enough to see her die in front of me. I could feel the life slipping out of her. I made sure she was dead. I could have stopped, I could have wounded her but instead I chose to kill her, what kind of person does that make me?"

"Kate. A few years ago you asked me about a choice you needed to make and I told you to chose the option you could live with. Do you think you can move on with your life after what happened?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I want to. I want things to be as they were before, but I can't stop feeling guilty, like I am just as bad as the people that killed my mother."

"What they did was a senseless crime. Your actions prevented these people from continuing to take people's lives. Your actions have saved the lives of many."

Kate knew he was right. It was going to take time before she ever felt comfortable with what had happened, before she finally accepted what had happened and was able to move on. She had killed someone and she needed to come to terms with that, but that didn't mean that she would have to feel guilty about it for the rest of her life. Her mother wouldn't want that. She reminded herself of a happier time, one where her and her mom cuddled on the couch watching Temptation Lane, eating ice cream out of the tub and snuggling down under a pile of blankets. It was these types of memories that helped her to move on. Deep down she knew she had done the right thing, it was just her mind playing tricks on her, the case getting too close to home.

Dr Burke watched as she processed her thoughts, giving her the time to work things through in her own way. There was still much to discuss, he knew by the way she was still sitting curled in on herself that there was more to tell, more to overcome, but that would only happen with time.

He decided to continue, he knew by stopping for too long she may spiral in on herself and close up, making it impossible for her to think logically about the situations.

"Have you remembered anything new about what happened since talking with Rick?"

"Not really. I found a bruise on the top of my thigh but have no idea where it came from."

Kate pressed her thumb to the place where the bruise was underneath her clothes. Some of it was coming back to her, flashes of conversation between Amy and Kelly and then more flashes of Nieman talking to her whilst she was unable to respond.

"I was unconscious for most of what happened. I seem to remember waking up with Amy and Nieman but then there is a huge gap. They had me for two whole days and all I can remember is a few hours of it"

"Kate how did Kelly Nieman keep you alive?"

This was something she hadn't considered thoroughly. Kelly had obviously taken some care of her because when she had woken up there was not a mark on her and apart from feeling a little drowsy she was fine.

"I don't know, I vaguely recall her giving me a drink at some point. When the Castle found me he offered me a bottle of water and told me to sip it, I remember her saying something similar."

Her mind began to wander, to try and recall exactly what had happened, to try and make some sense out of the time she was held captive.

**-Tuesday. 16:39pm-**

Kelly Nieman's face loomed over hers, unable to lift her arms, her legs or her chest, Kate simply lay stoic on the table. She saw Kelly bring a bottle of water up to her face but Kate moved away, avoiding what other drugs the doctor was trying to get into her system.

"It's just water detective, just sip it, we can't have you dehydrated now can we"

But Kate continued to pull away, her body was like a lead weight but she could move her head slightly from side to side.

Growing impatient Kelly took Kate's face in her hand, holding her chin steady between her thumb and fingers.

"Now, now detective if you don't drink the water from the bottle I have other methods of making sure you stay hydrated and I have no objection to fitting an IV line. Now are you going to co-operate and drink from the bottle?"

She had no choice. The water bottle was the lesser of two evils, and this way she felt as though she had some control over how much she drank, with an IV line Kelly could pump whatever she wanted into her system and there was no way she could stop her. She reluctantly nodded her head. Kelly pulled the fabric away from her mouth and for once Kate managed to get a full breath of air, only one, before the bottle was forced between her lips and she was forced to swallow the liquid inside. Just as Kate was beginning to enjoy the cooling sensation the water was providing on her throat the bottle was pulled away from her and she watched longingly as Kelly replaced the lid before turning back to her.

"Good. Now this needs to go back on, I know it must be uncomfortable and I hate covering up such as lovely face, but you haven't left me with any other options" Kelly explained as she forced the gag back into her mouth.

"Hold still Kate, this needs to go in your leg, you fight me and you will come off worse for it."

Kate could only watch as Nieman approached her with a large needle. Walking around so she was stood at the side of the table, she pulled down Kate's grey scrub pants to her mid-thigh and pinched the skin. Kate tried to shift away, determined not to be given any more drugs, unfortunately her movement caused Kelly to miss and only pierce the skin. She felt Kelly's fingers grab more of her flesh and jab the needle straight into her thigh causing Kate to whimper in pain.

"Well I did warn you detective, I hate marking such beautiful skin. Maybe in a few more hours your will be more compliant"

The last words the doctor spoke were incoherent to her, instead her mind was swimming, her thoughts elsewhere, unable to focus on what was truly happening around her. The last thing she remembered was the light being turned off as she plunged into the darkness once more.

**-Dr Burke's office-**

"Kate? Are you remembering something?"

"Yes she said something about keeping me hydrated and an IV or something to that extent. Maybe that's when I tried to fight her off and she injected me and knocked me out. Lanie said that the bruise looked like an injection site but only it was as if they had pinched the skin and I had tried to fight them whilst they were doing it."

She felt a sense of triumph, as if she had remembered some vital detail that would unlock the key to all this madness. Unfortunately she knew that in the end it was useless information, Kelly had given her a drink, all it proved was that she wanted to keep her looking healthy for a little while longer, she had even offered her a free facial rejuvenation kit the day of her abduction because she wanted it to be that _perfect_.

"Did you see anyone else whilst you were there?" His question sounding all too similar to that of the DA's when they had questioned her.

"Yes, the witness, Amy. She knocked me out once on the street, but I remember coming to in the van, she took a hard turn and I went crashing into the side. I wasn't awake for long but she injected me again. When I woke up again I was in a completely new room, I don't know how much time had passed, and there were no windows or clues as to what time it was. Nieman was there, she was screaming at Amy about how much of the drugs she had given me, I don't think she was meant to give me the second dose. Then they…" she paused.

She was able to tell Castle the next bit, able to explain that they had untied her probably to change her and she was grateful that they had knocked her out to do it. However the thought of Nieman's hands crawling over her skin as she maneuvered her limbs into the scrubs she had provided sickened her. She glanced up to meet Burke's questioning eyes. She had told this man her deepest secrets and it had helped, but she have never been overly personal with the details, with Castle it was fine, he had seen all of her, and there were no secrets between them.

"They undressed me" she sighed.

Dr Burke nodded once. Knowing they were possibly heading into dangerous waters he took a moment to phrase his question carefully.

"Were you aware of what they were doing?"

Kate shook her head.

"No. They untied me and I saw the clothes they were going to put me in. I think I tried to fight them off because they drugged me again. When I woke up I was in the scrubs and my clothes were gone. That's all I remember."

"Have you made sure that was all that happened?"

Kate knew what he meant and no she hadn't. Lanie had quickly checked her over at the precinct, but nothing more than that and there was no way she was going to a hospital, she wouldn't even entertain the idea.

"I would know" Kate replied strongly. Putting an end to that line of questioning. She knew her body, but she also knew that it was never about that, Nieman's fixation had been with perfection and changing her into scrubs was just another way of continuing with the doctor façade she was determined to portray.

"So the clothes, the drugs and the water. Do you think part of the reason you are feeling guilty about what happened is because for some time Kelly Nieman did keep you alive. She could have killed you as soon as you arrived, yet she didn't. Why do you think that is?"

"Because she wanted me to suffer. She didn't keep me alive, lying on that table I didn't feel alive. She was psychotic. She was only keeping me alive so she could take my face, anything she did in-between that time was only do so she would have her end result. To take my face and get away with murder."

"I'm glad you see that"

Kate looked up in surprise. It was not the answer she was expecting. Thinking back to what she had just said however, it made complete sense now. She had just admitted the reason she had killed Kelly Nieman, she had done it because that was her job. She was to take killers off the streets, and sometimes that meant doing the unthinkable, but in a situation like this is was entirely plausible.

"Tell me Kate, now that Tyson and Nieman are dead, what does the future hold for you and Castle?"

"We're happy. He's looking after me right now, but I know this has really shaken him."

"I noticed the bruise on his eye, I'm assuming he also went through a physical trauma throughout this ordeal"

Kate huffed a small laugh, remembering what had happened the first night she had returned home.

"No. I hit him. In my sleep, not intentionally of course, but I hit him none the less. I was dreaming and he tried to wake me up, he stroked my face and I thought it was her, it made me lash out. When I finally woke up I was on the bedroom floor. I hadn't had a night like that since Vulcan Simmons and his men interrogated me."

Kate ducked her head, remembering how upset she had felt when she had seen the mark on his face, it had scared her how much damage she had done, the force she must have admitted to create such a mark, a similar force she had used to defend herself against the attack from Nieman.

"Is that the main reason you decided to come back. Do you think the PTSD has returned?"

"I don't think so. It was only that one time and I've got better at recognising the signs. Castle has too. He knows what to do before one starts to take hold."

"That's good Kate. After everything that's happened it's going to take time for you to fully recover. You seem to have accepted what has happened, now it's a case of moving on. These dreams about your mother are a natural part of that. It's clear you are going to think of every possibility, you're going to question every judgement you made. But you can't let it control you. Accepting what has happened is the first step. You've said that Castle is there for you and that you don't hide things any more. It's important for you both to be open with each other. Has he told you his version of events?"

In a way this question made her feel guilty, she hadn't asked him much; simply how he had found her and the fate of Tyson. A few days ago that was all she could handle, she simply wanted to stick to the facts, anything more than that would simply upset her too much. But she knew the time would come eventually, he had been there for her, now it was her turn to be there for him.

"Some of it, mostly just case details, he didn't go into specifics."

"I think it would be good to find out what he went through as well. To know that you weren't alone may help you overcome the nightmares you are having, and help you to realise that none of this was your fault and you have nothing to be guilty about."

"I know I did what I needed to do. But there is some part of me, the subconscious part, that's still working on that"

Dr Burke nodded. They had made progress today, but he could tell Kate was getting tired. On her own she had to process everything, with Castle there he could support her, fill in the gaps that her mind was questioning with words of hope and love. He could tell she needed him, he was her solid ground.

"Do you want to talk to Rick about things now?"

Kate shook her head.

"No, not now. Alexis and Martha are coming home today"

Burke's brown wrinkled, assuming he had missed something.

"Rick sent them away so they would be safe" she explained, recognizing the confusion in his face.

"I need to be with my family right now" she smiled softly. They were part of her family now and she was part of theirs. Martha took on the role of the mother she had missed, she would never try to replace her mother, but simply be there like a mother would.

"Ok. If you need to talk you know where I am, both you and Castle. You'll get through this Kate, it will just take time."

"I know. Thank you."

There was a movement of silence. They knew the session had come to a natural conclusion and she felt better for it. Working things through always seemed to help. She knew there would probably be more sessions, more time to talk over the finer details, but for now everything that needed to be urgently said had been said. Everything she felt, everything she remembered was out in the open, now it was just a case of working through it all.

She stood up slowly. It was always awkward at the end of a session, she never knew what to do. Opening that door was opening herself back up into the world. She and Dr Burke made their way to the door. He allowed her to open it, keeping her in control.

All the nervousness she had felt at first was swept away when she saw Castle sitting there. He was sat in the same position as before, she watched as his eyes shot up and he rose slowly from the couch, measuring his movements.

"Everything ok?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes" Kate replied, moving into his space, keeping her eyes fixed with his as she looped her fingers around his hand.

"Let's go home"

Rick smiled. They were going home and he knew that meant that things were going to get better.

* * *

**First off let me start by apologizing for how late this chapter is! It was a lot harder to write than I originally anticipated and I think I've re-written it about three times and if I don't post it now I will simply keep changing it, but I am happy with where it is now.**

**Thank you for reading and sticking with this story. The story is planned to have ten chapters and the others are coming along slightly easier. I'm trying to stick to my one post a week but sometimes work does take priority.**

**Please review and tell me what you think, any guidance or advice you can give is gratefully appreciated. Like I say this is just something I enjoy doing and hope others enjoy reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still don't own Castle and this is still just a hobby.**

**Enjoy...**

* * *

Walking through the door to the loft Castle could tell that Kate was exhausted, she had barely said two words in the car and instead had simply rested her head on Castle's shoulder, never letting go of his hand.

Kate knew they needed to talk more, and she wouldn't be surprised if they ended up making another tip to Dr Burke's office in the near future, but first she intended to talk to Castle alone. Although not today. Today, Martha and Alexis would be coming home and she couldn't wait to see them again.

Kate made her way to the bedroom for a nap, the morning had really taken it out of her and as much as she wanted to stay awake to greet them when they arrived at the loft she knew her body needed rest. It was a strange situation, her body was still physically recovering from the mixture of drugs that had been pumped through her veins, and it needed rest. However her mind was still on high alert, it was as if it wouldn't let her sleep peacefully. Every time she tried to sleep or thought she was that split second away from sleep her mind seemed to spring her back into consciousness.

Castle had stayed in the kitchen and began to prepare dinner for the evening, he knew that Kate sometimes needed space after one of her therapy sessions. He knew how much they drained her and that it was sometimes best to leave her to process her thoughts alone. He carried on preparing dinner, making far too much than was needed but he knew that Kate probably hadn't eaten for two days and at the moment she seemed to be eating so he wanted to keep that up, she needed to keep her strength up. Martha and Alexis were also due back any moment and he was sure they would want a nice family meal in the evening. On the way home he had mentioned inviting Jim over, but Kate had told him she had phoned him whilst Castle was giving his statement back at the precinct and that he was working away on a big court case and wouldn't be back for another week. Jim had offered to take the first flight back to New York when he heard but Kate had told him that she was fine and he didn't need to, that Rick was looking after her and they would have dinner together when he returned.

It took Castle an hour and a half to finally have dinner well under way, after finally deciding that spaghetti Bolognese would be the best choice; something all the family would enjoy, he had started preparing it, leaving it to cook slowly as he continued to check on Kate. Every time he did she would be sleeping in a different position, her sleep restless and inconsistent. He noticed how she had seemed to gravitate over to his side of the bed. One arm clinging securely onto his pillow as she kept the other close to her chest.

He could see her limbs moving, as if she was dreaming once again. He hadn't seen her like this in a long time, he knew that the nightmares would come, but they had never been this bad before, they had never plagued her for more than two nights in a row, or at least they had never been that bad for her to physically react to them. He couldn't help but be drawn to the bed, he sat down on his side, taking her hand in his, not wanted to have too much contact in case it scared her again, but just enough so that his presence would comfort her.

He felt her stir next to him and watched carefully as her eyes scanned the room. He searched her eyes for any sign that she was scared or not completely aware of what was happening, but it looked as if she had come back from the nightmare quicker than expected.

"Hey" He whispered softly.

"Hey" Kate replied sleepily.

"How did you sleep?"

"Slightly better. I was still dreaming, but not as much."

"You were kicking at the covers again" Castle commented, remembering her earlier movements.

"It was just another dream. Burke said it was a natural part of the process. It just my mind coming to terms with what's happened."

"What do you dream about?" Castle asked tentatively.

Kate sighed. She wasn't ready to tell him yet, not now. She wanted to do it when they were completely alone without the knowledge that Martha and Alexis would be home any minute. They needed time to have a proper talk, where he could explain things to her as well.

"Later" she promised.

"I promise, I will tell you later. Right now though I just want to spend the evening with my family, have dinner and try and get some more sleep"

"That sounds good to me" Castle replied.

"Dinner should be about another hour, but mother and Alexis should be home any minute"

Kate smiled. She had really missed them and was looking forward to the loft being slightly busier again.

* * *

It was another half an hour before the door to the loft was swinging open and the two red heads appeared in the doorway. Alexis was the first through the door, dropping her bag in the doorway and rushing straight to Kate who was standing beside Castle in the kitchen.

"Kate!" Alexis exclaimed, rushing towards her.

Kate whipped around to see Alexis coming towards her, her face full of concern and worry. She opened her arms and Alexis came to her, wrapping her arms around Kate.

"I'm so glad you're ok"

Kate breathed a sigh of relief. She and Alexis had grown closer over the past year and she loved that Alexis treated her like a mother. She knew she would never replace her mother and she never intended to do that. Instead she would simply be there for her. Over the past year Alexis had turned to Kate for advice or even if she simply wanted someone to spend the evening with who was more mature. She was worried that Alexis would be angry at her for all the trouble that she seemed to bring with her, which inevitably was brought to Castle, but she didn't. Instead she had embraced the good with the bad and knew and respected that Kate was the right person for her father.

Alexis pulled back from the hug, still keeping her hands on Kate's arms.

"You are ok, aren't you? Dad didn't say much on the phone, just that you were back and you were ok"

"Yes I'm fine Alexis, not a scratch, well nothing that won't heal with time." Kate reassured her.

They smiled at each other, the first genuine smile that Alexis had had on her face in days. Turning her head she saw her dad and grandmother watching from the doorway. Taking one last look at Kate she went over and hugged her dad. Although a part of her was annoyed at him for risking his life as well, she knew that she wouldn't have been able to stop him, and was so grateful that everything had worked out that she didn't have time to feel annoyed. Kate had become an important part of the family, and they looked after each other. She was home now, and that was all that mattered.

After making sure that they were all ok, Alexis excused herself to her bedroom to change and freshen up, Kate decided to do the same, leaving Martha and Castle to finish preparing dinner.

"So, how's she really doing?" Martha asked, once Kate was firmly out of ear shot.

"She ok, she's strong, and we'll get through this"

"I know she's strong. But sometimes even the strongest people have moments of weakness. She looks exhausted Richard, is she sleeping properly?"

"No. every time she sleeps she has nightmares, and not the kind that you can wake up and forget about. The other night she hit me in her sleep because they were that real, when she woke up she didn't have a clue where she was. Apparently Dr Burke said it was a natural part of the recovery process"

"You've been to see her therapist?"

"Yes. Captain Gates would ask her to attend a psyche evaluation anyway and she wanted it to be someone she was already comfortable with."

Martha nodded. She knew that Kate sometimes attended therapy sessions but never pushed to know the details of the matter. She continued to help get the table ready, wanting everything to be as normal as possible for the evening. She watched as Rick fumbled around the kitchen, repeatedly stirring the sauce and tasting it.

"Richard, darling, why don't you let me do that?" Martha asked, moving back towards the kitchen.

"No it's fine mother, honestly I have it all under control"

"Richard, Katherine is not the only one that has been through the trauma of thinking she lost someone she loved. How are you doing? Have you talked to someone?"

Castle sighed. He had to be there for Kate, that was what was important now, but sometimes in the dead of the night he would hear her voice telling him it was a trap, that he needed to leave before the gunshots sounded.

"No" he replied steadily.

"It might not be a bad idea. Does Katherine know everything you went through?" Martha asked, keeping her tone neutral.

"Not all of it, her mind is playing enough tricks on her as it is, she doesn't need me telling her more horror stories, not right now."

"But Richard…" Martha began but she was stopped by Castle picking up the dinner plates and turning towards her with a stern look.

"Mother I understand you want to help, but right now I need to be there for Kate, I need to know that she is ok, once I know that then maybe I can think about giving her more details but right now, she doesn't need to know"

He made his way to the table, placing the plates of piping hot food onto two mats and then returning to the kitchen to retrieve the other two. Martha took a seat at the table followed by Alexis and finally Kate.

Martha could tell Kate was exhausted, the dark circles under her eyes only served to prove her theory correct, but she knew Kate was a fighter, she would get through this; they both would.

Dinner was quieter than usual, small talk was made about the food, even the trip to Europe was barely mentioned for fear of the reason behind the trip would come to light. Kate managed a few decent mouthfuls before she couldn't eat anymore. The sickness came in waves, one minute she was starving, her body desperate for something it had been deprived of for days. Other times even the thought of eating turned her stomach. She couldn't recall Nieman feeding her, and from the way she remembered feeling when she had woken from her drug induced slumber; hungry and with a splitting headache, she knew she hadn't been getting the nutrients that she needed. She knew Castle had been trying to feed her up, he had been making sure there was always fruit on the side and fresh food readily available in the fridge. Knowing he was caring for her in the simplest ways possible made her feel slightly guilty, throughout this whole ordeal he had been there for her and she knew she needed to do the same for him.

* * *

Kate couldn't decide what was worse, falling asleep and then spending the night tormented by nightmares or not being able to sleep at all. At 3:16am she decided that not sleeping at all was worse because her mind continued to replay everything that happened, it was as if it was on a continuous loop that she couldn't shut off. Her mind reeled with questions, about what would have happened to her and Rick and although she didn't want to think about the possibilities it seemed inevitable.

After what seemed like hours she finally gave up on trying to sleep, instead she moved back the covers, taking one last look at her sleeping husband she moved out of the bed and made her way towards the kitchen, grabbing her dressing gown on the way.

She padded towards the counter, unsure of what she was actually going to do, coffee certainly wouldn't help her sleep and she had never been one for herbal teas, so water it was. Just as she was reaching for a glass she heard a shuffling noise coming from the stairs.

"Kate?" Alexis asked, her voice showing that she hadn't had much sleep either.

"Alexis? You ok?" Kate asked, hoping that she hadn't woken her.

Alexis continued her decent into the kitchen to join Kate.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep. You?"

"Same" Kate said softly.

"Whenever I can't sleep I drink chamomile tea, it seems to help. Do you want to try some?" Alexis asked, picking up the kettle to fill with water.

"I'm not really one for tea. But thank you Alexis"

"I know you're not one for tea, but it might help. Come on I'm making myself one anyway" Alexis coaxed. She could see the dark circles under Kate's eyes, knowing that even if she was sleeping it wasn't peaceful.

"Go on, you go and sit down and I'll bring them over" Alexis requested, moving to take Kate's place in the kitchen.

She watched as Kate slowly made her way to the couch, her body looked exhausted, her energy and adrenaline completely gone.

Once the drinks were made Alexis joined Kate on the couch, carefully passing her the mug of steaming tea. She watched as Kate smelt the tea and to her surprise she watched her face relax, the vapors of the tea calming the tense muscles in her face.

"This used to always help me sleep when I was stressed." Alexis explained.

"After Paris, it helped a lot"

A silence hung between them.

"I still have nightmares. Mostly about me being locked in a cage and I can't get out. Sometimes my dad and gram are on the other side trying to get to me, other times I'm on my own. I would wake up thinking I was still there, that I was back in Paris, but they're not as often now."

Alexis paused, looking to see if Kate had taken any of what she had said in. It didn't look like it. Kate was too busy staring into the cup she was clenching between her fingers, her knuckles turning white with the amount of pressure she was using. Alexis watched Kate's reactions, this was not the detective she knew and loved. Detective Beckett was strong, she picked herself up again, she didn't let anything phase her, but this wasn't the woman sitting in front of Alexis right now.

She watched as Kate began to shake, her knees began to bounce up and down slightly and her breathing became slightly stuttered. Alexis knew this was the early stages of a panic attack, she had recognized the signs herself, she could see Kate's eyes glazing over, the panic beginning to set it. She quickly set her mug down and turned to face Kate, reaching out to place her hand on her knee.

"Kate, look at me" Alexis commanded, keeping her tone light but none the less authoritative.

Kate tried, she really tried to focus, but her mind was racing, images of her unable to escape the clutches of the demented doctor flashed in front of her, she just wanted to run but found herself glued to the spot. She could hear Alexis telling her to focus, she knew she needed to, she needed to ground herself again before she sent herself spiraling into a state she couldn't control.

She tried her breathing techniques, the one's Burke had taught her when she had first told him about the panic attacks. Counting back from ten and breathing deeply whilst focusing on something, usually whilst gripping Castle's hand, instead this time she focused on the drink. The slightly burn that filled her palm as she held the ceramic mug in the palm of her hand. She began to count and breathe deeply. She knew she was at the loft and she knew she was safe, she just needed to remind herself of that. After a few moments she glanced up to look at Alexis, she could tell the young girl was worried about her, her piercing blue eyes were too focused on Kate's and her lips were pressed into a tight line that showed her fear and concern.

"Are you ok Kate?" Alexis asked, searching Kate's eyes for some coherent answer.

Kate swallowed, trying her best to keep her voice steady.

"Yes" She said surprisingly confident.

"Sorry Alexis, I'm fine. It's just hard to talk about that's all."

"That's ok Kate. When we got back from Paris we were told that we were not allowed to discuss what happened, we were supposed to act as if it never happened. In a way that made it harder to believe that it didn't happen. Some nights Dad would have to stay with me until I fell asleep because every time I closed my eyes I was back in that room. I couldn't forget it. It wasn't until I talked to Dad about it, and he told me everything that happened, and why it happened that I began to move on. I knew the whole story and was able to understand more about what happened. It didn't make it easier to accept what happened, but it did make it easier to stop seeing their faces."

Kate knew what she meant. Ever since those two days all she had been able to see was Nieman's face when she closed her eyes. At first it had come as a surprise to her, but now it had become something she expected to happen, which made her dread the moment her body told her she needed rest.

"Have you talked to Dad about it? I know he can sometimes make jokes and not come up with unhelpful theories, but he is a good listener"

"We've talk about what happened to me. Everything that he experienced is still unclear. I don't think he wants me to know just yet, but we will, in time"

"You'll figure this out Kate. Both of you will and with time it will get easier"

"Thanks Alexis"

"Anytime. Now drink your tea and try to get some sleep. Things will get better Kate. I promise. Goodnight Kate"

"Night bud" Kate replied softly.

Alexis leaned in and kissed Kate on the cheek, something she had only just began to do, but it simply felt right, she treated Kate like a mom and although she knew she would never replace her mom she still looked up to her and respected her.

Kate smiled at the contact. Remembering the first time Alexis had done this, it was the morning of her abduction, the only action that day that had given her a sense of hope and joy. She watched as Alexis made her way back up the stairs, she knew the conversation had been short and that they were both tired, but right now it was all she needed. She drank the rest of the tea before placing the cup in the sink to be washed tomorrow.

She made her way back to the bedroom, noticing how Castle had moved over to her side slightly. She gently pulled back the covers and slipped in beside him, pressing her body into the curve of his. She felt his hand subconsciously move to wrap around her waist and pull her towards him gently. At first it stunned her, the feeling of being secure, his arm acting like a band over her waist, an all too familiar feeling from her captivity, but then she felt him breathe gently next to her as he cuddled her softly. In his arms she was safe. Tomorrow she would ask to know about what he had experienced, she knew it was the next step, Dr Burke had suggested it, and even Alexis had hinted that it might not be a bad thing to do. She reluctantly closed her eyes, hoping that she wouldn't see the flash of red hair and the shine of a scalpel as soon as her world turned black. For a second she didn't, instead she focused on Castle's face. She thought of their wedding day, how happy they had all been. They would make new memories, when this was all over they would go back to the Hamptons and enjoy their time together. For now she was dealing with it, she was processing all that had happened and was determined to move past this sooner rather than later.

She drifted off to sleep silently, exhaustion finally taking over her body.

* * *

**Once again apologies for this taking so long, life got in the way, but hopefully I am back on track now! The next chapter is taking me a while to write however I already have the rest of the chapters outlined and I'm hoping to have this story completed within the next four weeks if all goes according to plan, because I have a new AU idea that I am in the process of developing!**

**Once again thank you to all you lovely readers who read, follow, favorite and review, reviews keep me going and really made me smile. This week hasn't been great but reading your feedback did make me smile.**

**I hope you continue to enjoy the story and once again any constructive criticism or thoughts are always welcomed.**

**H. x**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I am not associated with Castle this is just a small hobby.**

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Considering the loft was now full it seemed uncharacteristically quiet. The usual bustle in the morning of four adults trying to prepare for the day ahead was no longer there. Rick cracked one eye open to look at the clock on Beckett's bedside table, noting that it was 7:43am, probably the latest they had slept in since Tyson and Nieman's demise. The memories were still fresh in his mind, in fact that had been what had woken him. Images of Kate tied to a chair with bullet holes in her, or strapped to a table watching her fight to break free knowing that he was helpless to save her.

He pressed his chest against her back, needing that extra bit of contact, to know that she was there with him. He missed how they used to be, usually on a morning like this he would wake her up, gently coxing her out of her slumber, usually by brushing a gentle finger down her cheek or up her arm, then move across her stomach and up towards her chest. They each loved waking each other up in this way, a soft loving touch that would almost always lead to a morning of intimacy. He missed those times, recently they had been quiet frequent, especially since they had started discussing starting a family together. He would never push things though, he wanted the moment to be right. There was still so many things unsaid between them and even he didn't know if he was ready to return to the way things were between them.

He felt Beckett stir next to him as her body tensed and stretched in his arms, immediately he went moved his arm from around her waist remembering how startled she had been when he had tried to stroke her face before he knew that it reminded her of Nieman. He was stopped by a soft but firm hand on his forearm, slender fingers curled around his muscle pressing his arm back into its earlier position. He had wanted to take things slowly, yesterday in the shower had proven that, he needed to connect with her but he also needed her to know that it was up to her, he wasn't going to rush anything, especially if a simple action of stroking her face brought back nightmares, he wasn't going to do anything without her guiding him, he needed her to know she was in control.

Kate turned to face Castle, keeping his arm around her and bringing hers up to rest on his chest. Keeping her eyes closed she took in the scent of him, the scent of home and of feeling safe again. It was in these moments that she almost forgot everything that had happened, those blissful sleepy seconds where everything was normal. She loved waking up in Castle's arms, on the rare mornings; when she wasn't woken by her mobile ringtone telling her it was time to leave, she loved spending those moments simply being in his arms.

"We don't have to get up yet do we?" she asked sleepily.

"No, I'm happy right here." Castle replied.

"How did you sleep?" he asked, keeping his voice light and trying to hide his questioning tone. He knew she had experienced worst nightmares than the ones she had told him about, but he also knew there was no sense in pushing her to tell him, he trusted her to tell him in her own time.

"Ok. I got up for a little while in the middle of the night, but after that I seemed to sleep fine." She paused the memory how she had felt when Castle had taken her in his arms rushing back to her like a warmth spreading through her body.

"I felt better being in your arms" she confessed.

"I didn't want to rush things. I know I scared you the other night"

"You didn't scare me Castle, you could never scare me, it was just the action, but I'm ok now"

Castle hummed, wanting to believe her, he desperately wanted things to be back to the way they were. He hated hiding things from her but the truth was he couldn't bear to add to her stress, he knew how traumatized she was by what had happened, even if she hadn't fully expressed it. The image of her bound and gagged flashed in his mind once again, how Jerry Tyson had made him sit in front of a screen that showed his wife struggling for her life.

"Babe, I need you to talk to me." Kate said pushing herself up on her forearms, making sure she was facing him.

"You know what happened to me, but I know you haven't been sleeping properly. I need you to talk to me, I need to know what Tyson did."

"Kate, you don't need to know" Castle said, trying to convince himself and her that he was ok, that he didn't need to burden her with his nightmares whilst she was having enough of her own.

"Babe I know you. I know you are doing this to protect me, but I need to know what happened. You mentioned that you thought I was dead, what did Tyson do? Please Rick talk to me." She was begging him, she needed to know and although it seemed unfair to hide what she had been dreaming about from him, she knew it would help both of them to move on.

"Kate. What I did. What I had to do, I want you to remember that that's not me, I only did it because I thought he would kill you, he was taunting me in every possible way and I had to stop him" Castle explained, praying that she would understand.

"I know, and I'm so grateful. Castle what you did, it makes me love you even more than I already did. I would never judge you." She assured him.

But she could tell that Castle was struggling to believe her. He was too focused, his touch no longer soft instead the muscles in his arms tightened and his lip straightened into a line.

"Rick. Dr Burke said it might help if we each talked about it, together. That way we can put this thing to rest. I don't want it to take over any more of our lives, I want it to be finished with." She explained, remembering how Burke had suggested it may be the best way for them both to move forward.

Castle straightened up, pushing himself into a sitting position, Kate followed suit, shuffling up the bed to rest her head on his shoulder.

"I meant what I said. When I said I didn't know how you did it, those two months when I was missing. When I first realised you were missing I panicked, I went round to Tyson's apartment and threatened him, if Ryan hadn't been there I probably would have killed him there and then" Castle confessed.

"I was the same, when we thought you were in the crushed SUV I tackled the suspect, it took both Espo and Ryan to drag me off him." She admitted, remembering how she had broken almost every rule in the beginning to try and get him back.

"I went back. When Gates mentioned the assault charges that was what she was talking about. I went back to Tyson's apartment alone because I needed answers from him and I wasn't leaving without them"

"What happened?" Kate asked, keeping her voice strong.

"Where do I start?" Castle huffed.

Beckett's brow furrowed, her eyes shifting from side to side as if she was looking for answers.

"With what feels real"

Castle nodded, remembering how he had once told her that when she had asked about how he began a story. How did he overcome staring at the blank document that was waiting to be filled with tales of Nikki and Rook. He had told her that he started by what was real, usually a situation they had been in or something he felt that he could connect to.

"There was a phone call" he began.

"It was from you, well it was your voice. You sounded terrified. They had taken a recording of you giving an interview after my disappearance and changed the audio, you were begging me to help you to find you. I can still hear your voice whenever it is quiet. I felt so helpless Kate. Similar to how you must have felt. You never told me you went on live television?"

"I was desperate. That was the only interview I did, I couldn't handle going through that again and they didn't help, if anything they made things worse, similar to what happened when you went to the media." She paused, thinking back to what he had said about his voice.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that" she whispered, moving her head from its place on his shoulder to look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry you had to do that interview"

Castle exhaled, knowing that they couldn't go down that route again and they didn't have any more information than the last time they had talked about his disappearance.

"After that Gates told me that we needed to work with the evidence we had rather than chase Tyson, but Kate I couldn't just go home and wait so I went to his apartment. I took your back up piece. He pretended not to know anything, he claimed he was Michael Boudreau and that he didn't know anything. He was smug when the police arrived. He pressed charges against me to push me back, he knew I wouldn't be able to find you if I was behind bars. I could have killed him Kate, I could have shot him there and then, what kind of person would that have made me?"

"We all do extreme things when the pressure is on. When we had Gary Duffin in custody I nearly broke his fingers. He knew something and was refusing to talk and I wasn't going to let him get away with that. Sometimes the most irrational acts are the ones that seem the most rational at the time."

"And I thought I was the writer" Castle quipped back.

"Well I learned from the best" she smiled back before her face turned serious again.

"It was Gates that talked to me and made me see sense" he explained.

"She told me that we worked well as partners because you see the evidence and I see the story. She told me that I wasn't going to find you if I kept playing his games, instead I needed to get inside of Tyson's head, think about what he was doing. I spent so much energy thinking like him, how he would plan this, I think that's why the nightmares are so clear."

"What do you see?" Beckett asked quietly. She already had a good idea. He had mentioned thinking she was dead, seeing a woman dressed in her clothes shot in front of him was bound to bring nightmares, although he was better at hiding it than her. He didn't have a tell-tale sign that she recognised. Usually if his night was plagued with nightmares he would go into his office and write. She would sometimes read them however they were not always eligible, more like random ramblings that his mind had created in order to pull him back to reality.

"I see you" he confessed.

"It wasn't me babe, I'm right here" she assured him, her voice soft like silk as one hand came up to cup his face.

He wanted to do the same, he wanted to pull her into him, to reconnect with her but he knew he couldn't for fear of how it would affect her. They were taking things slowly and that was working for them.

"I know" he sighed.

"But Kate for those few moments I thought it was."

He could tell she wasn't going to let him stop there, if this was what was bothering him the most she wasn't going to let him off by only giving her snippets. Years he had spent knocking down her walls now it was her turn.

"She was dressed in your clothes. When the door opened the first thing I saw was your shoes. Those boots I bought you last year, the leather ones with the zip." His mouth curled into a smile.

"I loved you in those boots, only you could pull off those boots for work"

"And I wonder why" she retorted and for a second everything was playful again.

"That's how I knew it was you." And all too quickly the atmosphere changed again.

"She was tied to a chair, she had your clothes on, the ones you were wearing when you were abducted. She had your watch and your wedding ring. They even put a wig on her to look like she had your hair. As soon as we opened the door you voice rang out, telling us it was a trap before the gun shots went off. I couldn't do anything to stop it. The gunshots seemed to never stop. It was only after I really got to see her that I realised it wasn't you. That Tyson was just playing with me. I guess it had an effect after all"

"Rick I…" she began but he cut her off.

"In my dreams it is you sat there. Everything happens exactly the same, only this time it's you who is sat there. The case is over and everyone leaves and I don't know what to do. It always ends the same way with you gone and me not knowing where to go or what to do."

"Who was the girl?" Beckett asked, hoping to bring him out of the nightmare.

"Former drug addict. Similar story to the others. Tyson and Nieman probably took her and convinced her to change her looks in return for money, then killed her. He wanted me to watch. He wanted me to watch you die. He wanted me to blame myself and in my dreams I do. Everybody leaves and I feel like it is my fault because I didn't stop him."

"Rick there was nothing you could have done. Tyson was playing mind games with you, he wanted you to see what he wanted. There was no logic behind it other than to torment you."

Castle didn't say anything, he was trying to believe her but just couldn't. The dreams were so vivid like he was right back there rushing to her dead body, unable to hold her, unable to tell her how sorry he was and how much he loved her.

"Is that what you tell yourself? That there is no logic behind this?" Castle asked feeling tension rising in his body. So far he had been calm, he had Kate back and that was all that mattered but a part of him wanted Tyson to suffer, to go through the same pain that he had put them through.

"Tyson and Nieman were psychotic, they were both pathological liars. There was no logic to what they did, no more than there is to the all nightmares that we keep having" Kate replied, knowing that she couldn't let Castle go down the same route that she had all those years ago.

"You said all"

"What?"

"_All_ nightmares we have. I thought you said you had the same one?"

She knew she couldn't lie to Castle and there was no point in hiding it. Dr Burke had told her to be open and honest and if she expected the same thing from Castle then it was only fair for her to do the same.

"I saw her face" Kate said softly, knowing that Castle had been wanting to know about her nightmares for a while now.

"Nieman's?"

Kate shook her head, diverting her gaze to look at their joined hands.

"My mom's"

She felt Castle stiffen beside her.

"What do you mean Kate?"

"It's only happened once. I dreamt that I killed Nieman, that I was able to defend myself but then when I looked, when I saw who it actually was I…" a sob caught in her throat. She had been able to explain it to Dr Burke, he was neutral and he wouldn't judge her and even though she knew Rick would never judge her, he had been with her throughout her mother's case and he knew how it had affected her.

"Shhh Kate it's ok. I'm so sorry I didn't know" he soothed, circling his thumb on the back of her hand.

Kate shook her head, reaching up to wipe away a stray tear that had fallen from her eye.

"You didn't know. I told Burke and he said to tell you. I felt so guilty but he said that it was probably the similar nature of the way she was killed. It hadn't even crossed my mind. At the time I knew it was self-defence but the stronger the nightmares got the more I wanted to believe them." She explained.

"You did what you had to do Kate, there is no two ways about it"

"I know. And you did to. If you hadn't. Well I don't want to think about what might have happened"

Neither of them did, Castle especially, the thought of living the rest of his life without her seemed unthinkable.

"I want you to know Kate, that what I did, I did because I couldn't stand the thought of living my life without you. I know I shouldn't have done it, but it was the only way that I could find you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Revenge. It was the only thing I had left. I went to speak to Marcus Gates. The man who claimed to be the triple killer. I knew he would know something, something that was specific to Tyson. He wouldn't talk to me, he told me that it was because of us that he was where he was and he had no interest in helping me. I had nothing else to offer him apart from revenge. I promised him that I would make Tyson pay for what he had done to him."

Castle searched Kate's eyes, expecting to find them shocked at what he had done, but instead she simply looked at him, a sign he took that meant she didn't care what he needed to do in order to stop Tyson.

"He told me about a house they talked about, one from his childhood. I told Ryan and Espo about it and they made sure I was wired. When I got there I saw Amy, she told me she didn't know where you were or what they were planning. I locked her in the trunk to keep her out of the way, if I hadn't I might have killed her there and then for her part in all of this, what she did to you"

"I don't remember seeing much of her. I remember her injecting me and knocking me out and then her arguing with Nieman but once they realized I was conscious again they knocked me out again. That was the last time I saw her. I never saw Tyson. It was only me and Nieman, I think that made it worse. I knew that you would go after Tyson, which was why they kept themselves apart, they couldn't risk being together and if you knew Nieman had me it would spoil his plans." Beckett explained, her detective instincts kicking in again.

"I made my way into the house. I desperately wanted you to be there, I thought I was so close to finding you and bringing you home again. In one of the upstairs rooms I found a monitor, there was an image of you. A live feed that was playing, when I saw it I knew you weren't there, that Tyson wouldn't be that careless. That was when he knocked me out."

She knew what happened next, she remembered the phone call. Kelly saying that she had all that she needed from Kate and that she was to prepare her, the unknown of what was to come, how they would kill her all too much to bear. How gentle Kelly had been with her, promising that it would all be over soon only taunting her more.

"How did you do it?" Kate asked, "How did you kill him?"

"Tyson had me sat in a chair facing the monitor. He wanted me to watch you die. I could see you on that table, the scalpels next to you. It didn't feel real, it felt like a nightmare that I was going to wake up from. I desperately wanted to save you and I think a part of me convinced myself that if I wanted it badly enough then it would happen. Tyson talked about how he had lured me there, alone and without back up, how I had played his game and now he was going to make me suffer. You should have seen his face when I told him he had played my game. I told him that he had let me think he had won but the truth was that I had won. I had found you all I needed to do was kill him. I gave the signal to Esposito and he shot him. I was glad. I know I write about murder but I never thought it would be like that. He didn't struggle, I think he was more shocked than anything. As soon as he went down we got your location and came to get you."

"I'm so glad you did. Castle everything you did, you did to save your family and no one can tell you anything different"

Castle closed his eyes, needing a moment to register everything, telling Kate was different than giving a statement. He wanted her to know the truth, but he also didn't want to scare her, she had been through enough. However now he felt better, he felt as if they were equals, each knowing what the other person had done, the lengths they had each gone to in order to make their way home.

"Kate. I know what happened has… well I know that it won't be easy, especially after what Nieman did to you. I want us to try and move on, but I don't want to rush things with you. Maybe if we got out of the city for a while, we could go to the Hamptons, just you and me, forget all this and just be with each other."

"Rick I love you. It doesn't matter where we go the memories will still be there. I want us to make new memories, right here at home. Tyson and Nieman took over years of our lives, this past year ever since I heard that song I knew this day would come, when they would return, but if anything all of this has made me realize that life is too short. I love you Richard Castle and I want to spend the rest of my life making new memories with you"

She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, a classic move that told him exactly what she was thinking.

Her lips brushed over his, soft and gentle at first then gradually adding more pressure, pressing her body into his. Bringing one hand up to stroke his cheek she pushed him gently so he was on his back as she brought one leg up to straddle his hips. Her other hand fused in his hair as she pulled him closer to her. Their kiss turned passionate, something raw that had been missing these past few days.

She felt his hand slowly skim up her side and across her shoulder to rest on the nape of her neck, holding her to him gently. She could tell he was being gently, more gentle than he usually was, whenever he usually placed his hand on her neck it normally meant he was about to flip them over so he was hovering above her, but not now, today he was letting her take the lead.

Her fingers untangled from his hair and trailed down his broad chest, stopping when she got to his hip bone she moved her hand slightly and entwined her fingers with his. Pulling back from the kiss she leaned back slightly so they were eye to eye. Holding his hand in hers she slowly brought it up to her cheek, making sure to keep her eyes open as she guided his hand to cup her face. A movement that had previous had her scattering off the bed in a panic was now controlled by her. She loved his touch, his hands were soft but worn at the same time through years of typing, telling stories of Nikki and Rook and Derrek Storm, stories that had kept her going throughout the years.

She loosened her grip on his hand and let him take over, relaxing into his touch and allowing her eyes to slide shut. His fingers brushed her cheek and jaw line before his index finger traced the lines of her lips. He moved his hand slowly back to the side of her face and gently pulled her face closer to his, resting their foreheads together.

They paused for a moment. Such a simple action, but such a big impact. Kate knew every time he stroked her face this was the moment she would remember, his broad fingers that had pleasured every inch of her body, rather than the icy slim fingers of a sadistic surgeon.

She could tell he was still nervous, still tentative about where to touch her and how far to take this, but she guided him, the feeling of power and control returning to her. It wasn't long before his shirt was gone followed shortly after by her own. She guided him again, letting him know that she is ok. He went slow, making sure not to startle her, he knew her and he knew her body, he had memorized every inch of it, every curve, every line and every scar, all of it makes her who she is. The person he loves.

Her breath hitched when he went to remove her pants and he wondered if they should stop, if it is all too much at this stage. But it isn't, instead she put her hands over his, once again taking control of the situation and the pants slide off.

It didn't take them long to fall into a rhythm. Each of them guiding one another, moving forward in a delicate dance that they have mastered over the years. Each knowing exactly what the other one needs and enjoys. Today is wasn't about trying something new or starting their morning off with a little fun, today it was about reconnecting. They were back, they were home and they were together and that was all that mattered.

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**So here is chapter 8, this was originally designed as two separate chapters but I couldn't find a right place to split it.**

**I hope you are all still enjoying this story and I love hearing your thoughts, I never through that for my first story there would be so many kind people reviewing and I hope I continue to do this story justice.**

**Thank you once again to everyone who has read, followed, add it to their favorites and reviewed and stay tuned for the next installment.**

**H.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, this is simply a hobby.**

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It was late morning before they both woke again. Their limbs tangled together with the bed covers wrapped artistically around them. Castle woke first, his eyes drifting open to look at Kate's sleeping face. She looked peaceful, a warm glow radiated from her face, something which had been missing ever since she returned home. He had come to notice the dark rings under her eyes followed by the way she would startle slightly when she woke before fully realizing where she was. It had scared him initially, he had caught her flexing her fingers one morning, he didn't tell her that he saw the questioning look on her face, he presumed she was startled at the fact that she could move her hands. He couldn't imagine how she must have felt to wake up unable to move. He tried to stop his thoughts before they took over, he needed to move on, for her sake as much as his own. He had become used to her waking in a panic, or tossing in the bed until her elbow or foot connected with him and he was jolted awake. But not today. Today she slept soundly and he was in no rush to wake her.

Their morning had been wonderful, intimate and exactly what they had each needed. He gently traced his index finger down her cheek, just softly, barely touching the skin. He moved lower, down the column of her neck and across her pronounce collar bone, down the exposed skin of her arm and finally encompassing her wrist in his fingers. Her wrists had now turned a deep red color, one that showed they were healing but still bared the marks of the fight she had needed to endure in order to come back home. He slowly brought her wrist up to his lips, her arm weak beneath his fingers, he kiss her wrist softly as if it would take all the pain away before gently laying her hand back down onto the soft sheets, intent on letting her sleep a little longer.

"I love waking up with you" Kate confessed sleepily, keeping her eyes closed for a moment before slowly opening them and pushing her body closer to his.

"I didn't mean to wake you. You looked so tired earlier."

"And I wonder why that would be?" she smiled playfully.

"Why Mrs Castle I don't know what you are implying" he teased before moving in to capture her lips in a soft slow kiss.

"Do we need to do anything today?" Kate asked once they had pulled apart.

"No, although I know my mother is desperate to have a proper catch up with you and I need to explain things to Alexis properly. I didn't tell them much about why they had to leave just that you and them were in danger, that you had been taken and I couldn't risk them being in New York. I couldn't risk losing them too"

"You did the right thing Castle, but like you said Alexis will want an explanation, she is similar to you in that respect, she needs to know the story"

"I wish this was a story." Castle huffed.

"Come on, let's get a shower and then we can make some breakfast. I don't know about you but I feel like I have worked up an appetite this morning" she said with a cheeky smile before vanishing into the bathroom with Castle hot on her heels.

After another round in the shower, both Castle and Beckett eventually got ready and joined Alexis and Martha for breakfast.

"Good morning you two" Martha exclaimed as they walked into the kitchen.

"Morning Martha" Kate replied moving in to kiss her cheek; another simple gesture that the two of them had become accustomed to doing.

"How are you?" Martha asked, lowering her voice slightly as if the topic was someone off limits to discuss at a normal level.

Kate glanced to Castle who was busy prepping the bacon for their breakfast.

"We're doing ok, actually I wanted to talk to you, without Rick, if that's ok?" Kate asked nervously.

"Yes of course, come and sit down"

The two ladies moved towards the couch, Rick didn't question it and simply carried on cooking breakfast with Alexis.

"Are you sure everything is alright?" Martha asked, concern growing on her face.

She knew Katherine and she could tell when something was bothering her. Her body language gave it away, she became nervous, sitting straight up on the couch and playing with her fingers in a manner that was so unlike her.

"Martha I just wanted to say how grateful I am, to both you and Alexis. These past few days have made me realise how lucky I am to have you. When Rick was missing I was falling apart and you helped me get myself together again. I know you talked with Rick about telling me his side what happened. It's helped us move on. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you."

"Katherine my darling there is no need. Anyone can see that what you and Richard have is solid, there is no two ways about it, and if you do encounter some bumps along the way you always seem to find each other again. I believe that. When Richard told me you were missing he refused to tell me anything else because he wanted to protect me. All he told me was that you had been abducted, and he was going to get you back, and that was all I needed to know. I knew he would find you, deep down I knew he would, because you two are meant for each other. Think about everything you have each been through and it has all led to you being right here. You are part of this family Katherine and always will be."

Kate hadn't realised she had been crying, it was only when a tear drop slashed on the back of her hand that she noticed and quickly went to wipe them away.

"Thank you Martha" Kate said softly, moving into the older woman's embrace.

Those two months when Castle had been missing had been some of the toughest months of her life, but Martha had always been with her, she had always stood by her and encouraged her to never give up. It was times like this when Kate missed her mother the most. She longed for a hug from her mother, or even simply being in her presence. She knew the time she missed with her mother would never be able to be replaced and she was glad that Martha had never tried to do that.

"Now, come on. Wipe away those tears." Martha said, the positivity beaming from her face like only an actress could. Even under these circumstance Martha was still able to bring a sense of hope to the situation.

Kate did exactly that. She took a breath, focusing her mind; another technique she had learned from Dr Burke, before leaning back and looking Martha in the eye. Martha nodded once and Kate smiled back, a signal that she was OK but needed a moment to steady herself. She sat for a moment, watching the rest of the family prepare for breakfast.

Watching Castle with Alexis always made her heart melt, the way they interacted was something incredible to witness. Even after the events of the past few days the two of them were able to behave as if everything was normal. She knew Castle would talk with Alexis, he would explain how everything he did, and all the risks he took was not just for Kate but for Alexis as well.

It wasn't long before the whole family were sitting around the breakfast table, enjoying bacon and scrambled eggs. Castle had offered to make smorelette's but each member of the Castle family had kindly declined. After breakfast Kate went back into the bedroom and Martha excused herself to give Castle and Alexis some privacy.

Castle was washing the breakfast plates whilst Alexis dried and put away, a technique they had mastered over the years.

"So, how are you doing pumpkin?" Castle asked.

"I'm fine, glad to be home" Alexis replied as she wiped away the soap suds from the plate in her hand.

"I'm sorry you had to go away like that"

"Oh no, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I'm glad everyone is home. I'm so glad that Kate is OK, when you told us she had been abducted I was really scared. These past few months we've grown really close. Especially after what happened to you." Her voice grew quieter as she spoke, a sign Rick knew meant that she was worried about something.

"Alexis, I want you to know that everything I did, I did to protect my family. You and Kate and your gram mean the world to me."

"I know dad. Kate is a part of our family, I love her. I know I had some reservations about her at the start but now, well now it's hard to imagine a time when she wasn't part of the family. I'm not asking you to tell me every detail, I know you did what you needed to do."

"I love you sweetheart" Castle said pulling her in for a hug, not bothering that he was currently soaking her back with the water from the washing up bowl. He was grateful that she didn't want to know all the details, he didn't think he could handle reliving it all again and then explaining to his daughter how he had practically executed a man. He would be forever grateful that he could spare her from those nightmares.

"I love you too" Alexis replied.

**_Epilogue_**

Kate stood in front of the full length mirror. Dressed in a light blue shirt, smart trousers that hugged her hips and her usual killer heels, she felt ready for the day ahead. Castle was busy making her morning coffee as Kate moved to the dressing table to fix her hair. Picking up her curling iron she began to curl the ends of her hair; something she hadn't done since coming home.

Once her hair was finished she moved on to her makeup, another thing she hadn't done since her abduction. Although Kate had never been one for living in her pajamas, the past week had really taken its toll on her. Her and Castle had made sure that each day was left free for them. They spent the mornings lying in bed, sometimes reading, other times cuddling, other times simple basking in the fact that they were back together.

She fastened her watch around her left wrist, the marks now completely healed leaving her body with no trace of what had happened. She glanced at her wedding ring, twisting it slightly between her index finger and thumb. She loved her wedding ring, it symbolized so much about who they were. Her abduction had been the first time it had been off her finger since the wedding, and having it back in its rightful place only filled her with more hope that she would overcome everything she had been through, and made her more determined that her ring would never leave her finger again.

The journey to the precinct was as normal as it could be. She was driving, a feeling that brought back a sense of control to her. Once they were parked up they made their way to the 4th floor.

Walking into the elevator each of them were struck by a sense of déjà vu. Kate hadn't remembered leaving the twelfth after they had given their statements, her body and mind had been too overwhelmed by the events of the previous days and desperate to get home and rest, that she had blanked out most of those memories.

She watched the light from the elevator glow and they were making their way up to the fourth floor. Castle by her side, just like he always was. The last time she had entered the precinct she had been weak, Castle had needed to support her most of the way by keeping his strong arms wrapped around her. She had made sure to travel in the elevator with Amy; the woman who had kidnapped her and has given her to those monsters. She had made sure to look her in the eye, to show her that she had survive, that despite her effort, their plan had failed. Nieman and Tyson were dead and Amy was facing a life in prison.

The elevator doors opened, but with Castle by her side, she was ready to face the next challenge.

They both were.

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**Well my dear readers that is the end of this story. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.**

**I cannot believe how many followers this story has get, especially with it being my first story. I am extremely grateful for everyone who has left comments on this story, like I said back at the start, this was designed as a one-shot piece, I never imaged it would turn into a 30,000 word multi-chapter piece.**

**Once again thank you for reading, please check out my other stories and prompt fills and please feel free to follow me on tumblr at castlelover47 to keep up to date with my writing.**

**H. x**


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